The Monthly Wrap Up: Because I’m too tired to come up with anything that original.

So, ok, end of our first month here at Confessions of a Sexy Mom, and I gotta tell you, web dwellers, you people are fucking awesome. I just love the heck out of you, and I’m in touch with my emotions enough to say so without having to go bench press or deep fry anything. Damn, I just love being a woman.

So, I figured I’d do a little monthly retrospective. A “confession-all” if you will (see how much lamer the jokes and puns are when I’m tired?), and I’ll toss in some random stuff I laughed at this month but, for whatever reason, didn’t post here earlier.

Heeeere we go.

Northman loves my drunken texts. Which is good, because with the blue-hairs around last month, there were plenty.

First, I saw this ( ←) yesterday and laughed my ass off. This is 100% a GREAT idea, and if you can keep your sense-of-humor hat on instead of going all, “Ooooh, that’s too ‘Big Brother’ if my phone knows I’m wasted,” then it’s pretty fucking funny.

Second, take a gander over yonder at the site hit numbers →. Oh, yeah. That’s more than 2,000 hits in a month. THAT is a blog-gasm. I’m super excited. Now let’s just get some more fans on the Facebook page so people will know when there’s something new here.

Numero Tres: Did you know if you go to the WordPress home page and select “topics” and then type in “fucking” that you’ll find some really freaky crap? Well, shit, searching for “sexy” or “Northman” wasn’t yielding great results, so I went the other direction. I thought maybe I’d find some blogs like mine with some random sexiness in there. Uh, no. Warning! If you don’t want to know what “fisting” is, DO NOT TRY THIS SEARCH. Wow. A lot has changed since I was last out there, people. A fucking lot has changed.

And Four: I found this neat site that lets you make graphic representations of relevant words on your site. I don’t know what people really use this for, but I thought it was neat, and here’s what I made. Didn’t even need to paint any macaroni!

Cinco de Awesome-o: Damn, that would have pissed my high school Spanish teacher off big time. No sense of humor. Anyway, this ↓ is what I posted this month in no particular order (and in kind of a mess because I don’t have a hell of a lot of control over the formatting here), not counting just little crap like a poll and letting y’all know I’m on Facebook. Which I am. And you should be too.

Six…more months until True Blood Season Five, so here’s one of my favorite scenes from Season Four, which I just rewatched because there’s so much Northman sex. Oh, Pam. I thank Mr. Coffee for whomever cast you and made your role so much bigger in the show than the books.

Also… A shout out to Karen B., Liesel B., Rebecca Z., Nicole S., and Tara C. for all your super funny posts on the Facebook wall!! Y’all are hilarious, ladies!! Keep it up, gals!!

And Now, A Message From Mr. Northman

Taking One For The Team

Elves, Men, Monkeys, and MartinisThe 12 Hours of Christmas

JPAMDD

The Versatile Blogger Award.

You People Need Help.

This Is Why Republicans Fear Me

I Sound My Barbaric Yawp Over The Roofs Of The World.

It's Always The Guy With The Panel Van

Did I Miss Something Here?

Blog-gasms

Shaved Pussies Are For Pussies

There Isn't Enough Purrell On The Planet For This Shit.

You're Just Coitusing With Me, Aren't You?

The Versatile Blogger: Apparently this is a thing.

Ok, so my blog has been up for a grand total of what, like, 18 hours? And already this awesome blogger named Erica has granted me the “Versatile Blogger Award.” This is a totally unofficial award from what I can tell, and it works a bit like one of those chain-mail Facebook status games, but it’s still fucking awesome to be nominated, and I’d like to thank my third grade teacher for letting me write in cursive and pen because she already saw that I was a kickass writer even when I was still writing stories about turkeys with magic powers. I really wish I still had that paper.

Yeah, I rock, people. World Record for fastest nomination for a non-existent award right here.

So here’s the deal with the Versatile Blogger Award. Apparently I’m supposed to do a few things. I don’t know if I’ll have bad luck for seven years if I don’t, but I am not one to fuck with Karma, so I’m just going to go with this thing.

List Seven Random Facts About Yourself:

1. I miss prenatal vitamins because they made my nails so freaking awesome that this woman at the salon wouldn’t believe me when I said they weren’t acrylics.
2. I think people who don’t teach their kids basic manners are butt munches.
3. I still love reruns of Saved By The Bell, and I am super pissed that ER and Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman are not on TNT every day anymore.
4. I think pot should be legal, taxed, and regulated, and we should just outlaw having dumbasses in government. That should just about fix everything. You’re welcome.
5. I’m a heterosexual woman, and I really think it’s bullshit that gay people can’t get married.
6. I think damn near everything is funnier with curse words. Fucking, EVERYTHING.
7. I consider caffeine to be a vitamin supplement I should be able to write off as a medical expense on my taxes.

Next, I’m supposed to nominate 15 bloggers for this non-award and let them know I did so. Well, shit. I’ve been here less than a day, so I’m going to have to work on this one over time. So for now, here are some blogs and some favorite web shit I dig. But I probably won’t let all these people know I nominated them because this is taking enough time as it is.

1. Erica, because she nominated me, and I’m all for nepotism.
2. The Bloggess, because any woman who isn’t reading that shit is a moron.
3. Whoever came up with this crap: Honey Badger For President!!
4. Those people at Pinterest. That’s like visual blogging for nerds. I fucking love it.
5. Sexis: Also a website, lots of bloggers, and also includes The Bloggess, but it’s all about sex, so I dig it.
6. People of Walmart: I don’t actually like the people at Walmart, and the site is pretty fucked up if you think about it, but it’s like watching a car accident. I just can’t quite look away.
7. Sh*t My Kids Ruined: Because it makes me feel like a better parent knowing I’m not the only one whose kids have mess-creating super powers.
8. Shit My Dad Says: Because I seriously think I’m related to these people.
9. HBO GO: This is not a blog. It’s a website. But it should be nominated for every fucking award ever because it allows me to watch Eric Northman have sex on my iPad.
10. Confessions of a Sexy Mom: Because I’m fucking awesome, people. Also because I can’t think of anything else to put here.

Alright, I’m also supposed to thank the blogger who nominated me: Thanks, Erica! I don’t know you, but if you nominated me, I think you kick ass.

Ok, people. That’s four blog posts in less than a day. Don’t get used to it. I do have a life. Sort of. Now do me a favor and share my blog with everyone you ever met in your whole life so I can inflate my sense of self-importance by seeing my site traffic jump. Thanks, web dwellers.