Yes, I know we could have used Gmail video chat or Facetime if Skype weren’t around. It’s hyperbole. Deal.
I need to send flowers to whomever owns Skype. Mr. Skype, or Ms. Skype, whoever you are, I fucking love you. Without you, I wouldn’t have had absolutely ridiculous Skype sex with Northman the other night, and that, web dwellers, would have been a serious tragedy.
I never really know when a chat with Northman is going to turn from a text conversation in which he uses multiple pop culture references I’m not cool enough, or perhaps adolescent enough, to know offhand (“I’m totally fragged. You grok?”) into one that threatens to fog up my phone screen. My girlfriend, Penny, asks me about this all the time: “How does that even happen?!?! How do you go from saying hi via text to watching him do, you know, THAT, on your laptop? Holy mackeroley.” And honestly, I never really know how to answer her. First, I have to stop laughing, and that takes a while. And second, and more to the point, it’s because it just kind of happens. It’s the old, “One thing led to another….” scenario. So, I avoid the question by telling her she should try it with her husband some time, and then she avoids that conversation by choking on her French fries.
But now a few girlfriends and readers have asked how this whole cyber sex thing works, which makes me think it’s time for a Public Service Announcement, Sexy Mom Style: Watching your partner get off while online is hot. Lava hot. Green salsa and those little red things in Chinese food hot.
If you haven’t tried it, well, here’s your Valentine’s Day gift from me, web dwellers: A lesson in Skype sex. Give this a shot. Your partner will love it (or at least really appreciate the effort, which is still highly likely to get you laid)…unless you pop up on his (or her!) computer screen when his/her/their boss (or, possibly worse, assistant) is in the room. Then s/he may get fired and/or sued for sexual harassment, so, you know, don’t just jump in with both tits. Balls. Feet. Whatever.
Step 1: Sexting
As for Northman and me, these convos all start out the same way: we’re texting to catch up and see what the other has going on, which I love, because, unfuckingbelievable sexual tension aside, we are really good friends, and we actually give a shit about one another. Sometimes, we just text for a while and go on with our separate evenings. True, we might just be catching up, but there’s always some flirting there because, after all, this is Northman we’re talking about, and I’ve never, in my entire life, met a man with a more active sex drive (Taking a moment to praise Mr. Coffee for Northman. Seriously). Other times, we’re sexting, which is fantabulous, but again, that doesn’t mean we’ll end up doing the dance with no pants via Skype. It might just be a sexy little text-a-text for a few minutes and that’s it.
Thank you thank you thank you for Northman and the crazy dirty shit that comes out of his mouth.
If you haven’t sexted with your partner, think of it as passing really naughty notes. My favorite sexts with Northman aren’t necessarily the lengthiest. Although his sext stories are typically pretty damn awesome. No, sometimes the best sexting just happens out of the blue when you actually say (type) the dirty thoughts that pop into your head.
Northman: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just got out of the shower. Love the feeling of silky smooth legs rubbed down with strawberry lotion.
Northman: Me too. Esp. if they’re wrapped around my neck.
Me: That can be arranged.
See, that’s a little mini sexting. And it’s awesome. But sometimes it progresses into a sexting story, as was the case that day:
Not sure what to say? Text an image with a little, "Maybe tonight?" It'll get the point across just fine.
Northman: I untwine your legs from my neck and replace my tongue with my fingers while I kiss my way up your body to your neck, your lips. Our tongues tangle in a deep kiss as I slide into you slowly. Inch by inch. You wrap your legs around my waist and I pick you up, press your back to the wall as I thrust into you, kissing you all the while.
If I’m home alone, at this point, I can’t usually type much. Sometimes I’ll just let him run with it, and other times we’ll tell the story to one another, back and forth, which I really like. Personally, I dig the dirty talk, so there’s usually a lot of cock, pussy, ass, cum, and fuck in our sexts. If you haven’t tried that, you really, really should. Unless you’re my girlfriend, Penny, because I think she’d say something like, “I want your cock. Holy mackeroley, it’s so awesome,” and that really doesn’t work.
So, side tip: Don’t do shit you’re really uncomfortable with because it’ll kill the mood. But do step outside your comfort zone a bit, because that will get your partner’s attention. Fast.
Step 2: Skyping
When our textversations get lengthy though, Northman and I sometimes end up switching to Skype because we both hate typing long conversations on our phones. Or maybe because we both know there’s a greater chance of nakedness if we get on Skype. Anyway, at that point, we upgrade to iPads or laptops and talk face-to-face-ish instead. This is my favorite outcome: seeing Northman. And no, it’s not because he may take his pants off at any moment (not just because, anyway), although seeing Quinn standing at attention is a definite high point in my week. I like the switch from text to video because I genuinely enjoy seeing Northman smile instead of reading an “LOL.” I like watching him react to my laughter and inept flirting, and I love having more of a “real” conversation with him. At the moment, it’s the closest I get to having a man I care about in my bed (I guess I could have one in there I don’t care about, but that’s just not how I roll, web dwellers) because I don’t have time for a normal relationship between constantly working, taking care of my minions, having some semblance of a social life with the gals, keeping up with my family and my laundry, and occasionally sleeping.
So that’s where I was the other night: In bed, Skyping with Northman at 2 a.m. in my panties (and then not in my panties). What can I say? I was hanging out in my underwear because I sleep like that sometimes (you learn something new about me all the time, don’tcha?) and he wanted to Skype. It’s not like he hasn’t seen me naked, so I didn’t bother getting dressed. He sure as hell didn’t mind. Plus, it moved the conversation in a direction I wanted. Another side note: In my experience, subtlety and men do not mix, so when I want to see Northman naked, I just get naked.
Northman and I were pretending to talk about our days, our kids, our typical goings-on. But I was watching him get increasingly distracted as I bit my lip and pinched my nipples, which were, just coincidentally, juuuust visible in the video frame.
Me, smirking: “You seem distracted.”
Northman: “You think?”
Me, tweaking nipples a bit. Hey, I know what the man likes: “It’s not my fault you can’t pay attention to our conversation. It’s actually quite rude.”
Northman: *Long groan* accompanied by insanely sexy lip biting. “Two can play at that game.”
Me: “I seriously doubt that.”
Northman takes off his pants.
Me: “You win.”
Make sure you have one of these handy. And extra batteries. Seriously.
See, here’s the great part. Yes, he wins in that he was right, he could play hardball, too. But really, we both win because I don’t mind pretending to be wrong if it means I get to watch Quinn and listen to Northman talk about how much he wants to fuck me while I take care of some business on my side of the screen.
This is another important thing to remember when you try this with your partner: Be willing to say or show your partner what you want to do, and be willing to go first. Speaking of saying what you want … Northman is fucking fabulous at this, and that’s really, really important. Because saying, “I want to have cybersex with you,” is really not sexy. But saying, “I want to take you from behind with one hand tangled in your hair and the other on your hip….” well, that’s most definitely sexy. Maybe it comes across as graphic to some people, but that’s fairly tame for Northman and me. The point is, be specific and let your partner know what you have in mind.
A Valentine from me to you. Enjoy, web dwellers!
Step 3: Have Fun
The happiest couples have fun with one another whether they’re doing the dishes or doing each other. So inject a little humor into your sexty convos and Skypes, and be playful. This is one of my favorite things about Northman. He never takes himself too seriously, and it’s not remotely unusual for one of us to crack a joke in the midst of our sexy scenarios. It makes me eager to see him and touch him and try all the many, many, many…many positions, locations, and scenarios we’ve imagined together. For those of you who’ll be heading home to your sexting buddy within a few hours, the tension and anticipation should be enough to have you falling over the back of the couch naked before your briefcases hit the floor. At least that’s my Valentine’s Day wish for you.
Go get laid, web dwellers. Don’t say I never did anything nice for ya.
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