I got divorced last year and slowly (really, really, slowly) started working my way into dating. And by slowly, I mean I started messing around online because I couldn’t justify spending $60 on a sitter for my two kids so I could go meet losers at a bar.
Interestingly enough, my Facebook email inbox started filling up quite a bit when I changed my status to “separated” after my ex and I decided to go our separate ways. So I’ve had some fairly safe territory to traverse in dipping my toes in the dating waters, because some of the guys I’ve been flirting with are guys who had crushes on me 20 years ago and are hoping for a second shot. Gotta say, for a mom who hasn’t had sex in oh, say, four years, that feels fucking great.
So, after 10+ years of marriage, a couple years together before that, and now another initial year of single-ness, it’s been a good 15 years since I’ve dated. And you know what I noticed right off? All these guys seem to want to know what my pussy looks like, and they all pretty much assume it’s shaved or waxed. What the fuck?
Ok, backing up. It’s not like I got a bunch of Facebook emails that read, “Hi. I see you’re single again. So, how’s your pussy?” Ah, no. But the few guys I’ve gotten reacquainted with enough to have any kind of sexy conversations have all ultimately asked the pussy question: Shaved? Waxed? Landing strip? And to that I say, “Shaved pussies are for pussies.” And here’s why.
If men can’t handle that women aren’t life-size, naturally hairless, anatomically correct Barbies designed solely for them to fuck, then I say, fuck them. And not in the good way. Women have hair. Now, am I some kind of Amazonian Pussy Bushwoman? No. But I also don’t see a need to try to make my vagina look like it did when I was 12. I don’t want to fuck anyone who wants all my girl parts to look like girl parts. These are WOMAN parts, and they’ve got fuzz.
Maybe it’s the Internet. Porn is so damn, uh, handy, these days, it’s gotten a little homogenized, and it seems like every porn star waxes her vajayjay and/or emblazons it with piercings and Swarovski crystals. Well, you know what? That’s fucking disgusting. Sure, it makes for better filming when people aren’t getting pubes in their teeth, but you know what? That’s what’s better for make-believe. In real life, sex works better when the people having it actually know one another’s names and addresses too, so there’s one point for reality.
I am not a porn star. I’m a strong woman, a busy professional, and one seriously devoted mom. I don’t have a personal assistant, a maid, a trainer, a chef, a driver, or a nanny. I don’t have time for weekly manicures, electrolysis, root touch-ups, extensions, highlights, anal bleaching (how is that even a thing?), or bush-scaping. You know why? Because I’m a normal fucking person who works her ass off taking care of herself and her kids. So, that’s it: If you want to fuck me, you better be pretty damn happy I have enough time to shave my freaking legs, let alone keep Muff City in decently trimmed condition.
Here’s the other thing: I know men are pretty visual creatures, so asking for some imagery isn’t too bizarre a request, but it’s really impractical and kind of stupid. A bush can always be whacked. But stretch marks, c-section scars, and post-nursing boobs require a hell of a lot more effort (and money) to change. So, yeah, I get that guys want to envision this porned-up little haven for their dicks, but the truth is, whether a woman waxes her lady bits is probably the last concern they should have. I’d make it a rule that I’ll never have sex with someone who asks the pussy question before having a pretty decent chance at actually finding out for himself, but I’ve been celibate long enough and making that vow would pretty much mean I have to start ordering Energizers for my Jackrabbit in bulk.
So that’s it. There’s my first rant. You’re welcome. You’re also welcome to post your own rants and questions. Let me know what you want to talk about. The floor is yours.