So I called my girlfriend Penny the other day, and we’re talking, you know, mom crap, work, the usual. When I think about it, I’m still pretty stunned that we’re so close, seeing as she’s a conservative Christian republican and I’m a potty-mouthed liberal whose only form of religion involves worshipping my Mr. Coffee in the morning, For Thou Art Goooood, Mr. Coffee. Praised Be.
Just goes to show that friendship knows no bounds. Case in point: I’m still friends with Penny when I KNOW she voted for George Bush. What? Not recent enough for you? Fine. I’m pissed that she voted for John McCain, too. I mean, ok, I’m happy she voted in the whole “we all have a moral obligation to vote, so get your ass out there and do it,” sense of the thing. But I’m less pissed that she voted for John McCain because he hadn’t already had four years of screwing the country nine ways from Sunday when he was last on the ballot, whereas we already knew exactly what we could expect from that last POTUS.
Anyway, we pretty much just don’t talk politics unless it’s an election year, and even then, we keep it to sincerely asked, respectful questions about one another’s viewpoints. Well, she asks, and I answer. I don’t ask, because there’s just no answer that would convince me to vote for someone who thinks corporations deserve the same rights as people, homosexuals are pedophiles with bestiality tendencies who shouldn’t even be allowed to have sex let alone marry one another (aka, the Fox “News” position: If we let gays marry, they’ll have license to prey on our children and next we’ll all be marrying dogs and snakes), or that it’s remotely appropriate for abortion to be a political issue.
Really? How about we outlaw vasectomies and make cheating on your wife punishable in court? Oh, sorry. What you do with your body is between you and your doctor? And what’s that? Your marriage is your business and not the court’s? No shit. That’s why liberals believe in abortion rights and keeping the government out of our bedrooms so long as whomever is in there is a consenting adult. I will never, ever forget hearing a political pundit accuse John Kerry of thinking “partial-birth abortion is a good thing,” because Kerry wouldn’t outlaw late-term abortions without provisions in the law for the health and welfare of the mother. No one, NO ONE thinks partial-birth abortion is a “good thing.” In fact, most liberals I know aren’t particularly fond of the whole abortion concept and wouldn’t choose that option themselves. But they stand by a woman’s right to choose, just as they vehemently support the right to free speech, even when that speech is being given by someone as despicable as Rick Santorum.
Never Googled “Santorum,”? Yeah. Take a sec and do that. This is how liberal nerds get revenge on self-righteous assholes.
Anyway, as usual, I digress. I was on the phone with Penny, and she said, “So what did you do this morning?” and I said, “First I dropped the kids off at school, stopped for coffee, and then I had unbelievable Skype sex with Mr. Northman.” (Ok, we don’t call him Mr. Northman, but he does have a nickname between the girls, and since all names and nicknames on my site are changed for obvious reasons, I’m picking another nickname here that adequately captures – for True Blood fans, anyway – exactly how fucking sexy this man is. My blog, my rules, bitches.)
Penny: “You did WHAT?!?!” (This is why I love her. She’s so easy to freak out.)
Me: “I had crazy awesome Skype sex with Mr. Northman. Holy crap that man has stamina.”
Penny: “Wait, what do you mean? Like, typing?”
Me: “Oh, well, at first. But then, you know, I wanted to see, so we switched to video.”
Penny: “You did the what you had a wait I… what?!?!!”
Me: Laughing, “Um, what?”
Penny: “Holy mackeroley,” (she says shit like that, I swear).
Me: “That about sums it up, yeah.”
Penny: “HOLY MACKEROLEY!!”
Penny’s three-year-old, audible in the back seat of her car: “Holy mack-oly, Mommmy!” Holy mack-oly!!”
At that point, I about lost my mind laughing at her toddler chiming in (thank Mr. Coffee she’s smart enough NEVER to put me on speaker when there are kids around), and I laughed so freaking hard I had tears rolling down my face fucking up my mascara, but it was worth it.
Penny: “Ok, wait. I gotta go drop the munchkin off at pre-school, so I’m pulling up to the church. When I get out, I want to hear all about this.”
Me: “Let me get that straight: When you get out of the church from dropping off your toddler, you want to hear details of how I did a strip tease for Mr. Northman while he did his — really impressive — business on webcam?”
Penny: “Crap, you’re right. That’s messed up. I’ll wait until I get to the mall, and then call you back. Neutral ground.”
And that’s why I love that woman.