It’s Always The Guy With The Panel Van

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I gotta say, being newly single in my late 30s is pretty damn weird. Everyone and her mother wants to set me up or have me develop an online dating profile. Yeah, because in all my spare time, between running a business and running two kids all over creation, I’d just love to go out with some dude I’ll never have enough time for and probably never trust enough to let sleep over with my kids in the house. “Oooh, Cathy has trust issues.” No. Fuck that. I do not have trust issues. But I do watch Law and Order: SVU, and it’s always the damn boyfriend. Or the guy with the panel van. Or that one time it was the boyfriend with the panel van. Why would anyone drive one of those things? It’s like having a big sign around your neck that reads, “I am a creepy nutjob who sleeps in his van.”

But I digress. The point is, when you’re a parent you have to put your kids first. Wow. I know, right? That’s a big newsflash to some people. You know who I’m talking about. There are plenty of these idiots walking around Walmart yelling at their kids for being cranky while Mommy shops for a new Xbox game at 11 p.m. Someone needs to smack the crap out of those people and tell them to go home and put their kids to bed. Lego Indiana Jones and The Legend of The McFlurry can wait until tomorrow. You are one of these people and you didn’t know that? Well, now you do. You’re a parent which means your kids’ needs come before your wants. Period. You’re welcome.

You know it's true. There's a whole freaking website about how crazy people are at Walmart.

By the way, I hate Walmart. Why does it smell like that?

Cool, digression from the digression! That’s like the blogger equivalent of Shakespeare’s play-within-a-play. Awesome. So, where was I? Ok. I had to go to the top of the document and reread for a sec. That’s what it’s like to be a blogger with ADHD. Ya like that? Yeah, me neither. Plus, my phone keeps going “bloop!” with little Facebook notifications, so I’m probably never going to get through this post.

The point is, dating when you have kids is tricky. I can’t imagine letting a guy get to know my kids right away. What if we break up? What if he turns out to be the panel van guy? It would have to be pretty serious before I’d be willing to introduce the nicest of guys to my little minions. Nothing crazy; say, a year or two after we get married might be long enough.

Who has time for this dating crap, anyway? With kids, a job, a house, family, friends, and community responsibilities, when I have a night to myself, I want to drink a glass of red wine, take a bubble bath, and watch Glee on DVR. Oh, and you don’t? Liar. I don’t have time to sacrifice my rare moments of quiet time for bad first dates. I’ve got Skype and a vibrator. I’m good to go and I’m guaranteed I’ll get to finish first. And I don’t even have to wear heels.

But even while having a sexy Skype text chat with a newly rediscovered friend-with-benefits, there are surprises in store. First, people are less inhibited when they’re typing because they don’t have to say the crazy shit they’re thinking out loud to your face. And men type some freaky crap, let me tell you. For instance, I’m having this IM chat on Skype with a guy I know from (way) back in the day in high school, and he starts with some seriously dirty talk. I mean, filthy, nasty, crazy dirty talk. The shit that came out of this man’s mouth, you would not believe. I didn’t believe it, and I thought I’d heard (and tried) pretty damn near everything. It was the dirtiest sex talk I’ve ever heard, even including the limited dialog in the few pornos I’ve watched. So, all in all, yeah, it was freaking fantastic.

Ok, so that one was a good surprise. Plus, I could save the conversation and reread it later. Saves me money downloading dirty books from Kindle. Think you can save conversations from real-life dates? From what I hear, men these days frown upon being tape-recorded in bed, or even in restaurants for that matter. But they do all seem to want to try the stuff they see in porn movies, and I gotta ask: what the hell is up with all this light choking in porn? That shit was not going on the last time I dated, and I have to tell you, folks, that seems pretty effing stupid to me. Yeah, sure. We’ve only been dating a month, but go ahead and try not to kill me while we screw. That sounds like a lot of fun!

So now I have to worry about pregnancy, STDs, HIV, and the possibility of being choked to death if I want to get laid? It’s no fucking wonder I haven’t gone on any real dates yet. The real world is freaking scary. Plus, I’d really have to shave my legs, and I’d so much rather go watch Glee.

6 responses »

  1. “Lego Indiana Jones and The Legend of The McFlurry” LOL!!

    I used to work at Wal Mart….creeeepy people. Definitely lots of potential white panel van drivers lurk the aisles. *shudders*

  2. Pingback: ProstitOts | myadventuresinchaos

        • Erica, I thought you hit the nail on the head with that post. And you’re always welcome to ping back to my blog. I appreciate it! 🙂 The T&T show crosses a major line IMO. I have enough of a problem with people objectifying their kids like that without it being aired on national television. I try really, really hard not to judge people and their parenting because we all do it differently and we do our best. But there are some things that I just think are wrong, and the whole kiddie pageant thing with little girls in bathing suits and suggestive costumes doing booty-shaking dances? I honest to goodness think that’s psychologically damaging to children and I think sick people watch the show for prurient reasons. And that is effed up to me.

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