So, I’m having coffee with my girlfriend, and she asks me to have sex with her husband. I can’t make this shit up, people. My girlfriend is going through some shit, and she just can’t have sex right now. I won’t go into the whys and hows, because it’s her shit. But the bottom line is, her husband is horny as hell, and she wants him to be happy (and faithful-ish), so she’s like, “Hey, what about Cathy?!” and her husband’s like, “Cathy’s hot!” (thanks), and they talked about it, and she asked me to coffee to invite me to fuck her husband.
Ok. So… I’m sitting there eating my corn muffin, thinking, “What’s the protocol on this? Should I run to the ladies’ room and Google Emily Post’s site on my iPhone for answers? Maybe there’s an app for getting answers to shit like, ‘What’s the appropriate response for being invited to fuck your girlfriend’s husband?’” I mean, what the fuck, people? Has there been some update to the rules section of the Girlfriends’ Code of Friendship that I don’t know about? So, I did the only thing I could think of, I laughed like it was a flattering joke, and I asked how her mom was.
Friend (we’ll call her… Laura): “She’s fine, thanks. Still got that sciatica. But, seriously, Cathy. He needs to get laid. You need to get laid. We’d all be open and honest about it. I’m good with it. What do you say? You’re totally his type, and I know about it, so it wouldn’t be weird or anything.”
Me: Raised eyebrows, “No, that wouldn’t be weird or anything.”
Laura: “Cathy. I’m good with this.”
Me: “Ok, well, that’s awesome, and thanks? I’m going to get some more coffee.”
Well, fuck, people. What would you have said? “Sure! Let’s haul ass to your place right now so I can fuck your husband I can’t even picture properly in my mind!”? Not that that’s the major concern here, but it’s one of them. I mean, a girl has to have standards and all.
So ultimately, I turned the conversation back to safer topics like work and kids and damn near anything except fucking her husband. Let me say for the record that I did not, will not, would not, and could not fuck her husband (not in a house, not with a mouse, not in a boat, not with a goat – we’re in a Seuss phase here, people), unless she happens to be married to Eric Northman without my knowledge, and then all bets are off.
So, that night, I’m home, and I’m getting a little pissed at Laura for having put me in this position. I mean, what the hell did she think I’d say? And how am I supposed to go to her house next week for her Buy-Some-Fake-Jewelry-Crap-And-Drink-Mojitos Party knowing her husband kind of wants to fuck me? And did she think she was going to watch, or were they strictly bringing me in to pinch hit? And what do I think about that?
Ultimately, I stopped thinking about it (and made up some bullshit about one of the kids being sick to avoid the party – oh, like you wouldn’t?), and I let it go because seriously? I just can’t go there. But if I find out she IS married to Eric Northman, I’m really going to kick myself for not taking one for the team.