Tag Archives: blog

The Monthly Wrap Up: Because I’m too tired to come up with anything that original.

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So, ok, end of our first month here at Confessions of a Sexy Mom, and I gotta tell you, web dwellers, you people are fucking awesome. I just love the heck out of you, and I’m in touch with my emotions enough to say so without having to go bench press or deep fry anything. Damn, I just love being a woman.

So, I figured I’d do a little monthly retrospective. A “confession-all” if you will (see how much lamer the jokes and puns are when I’m tired?), and I’ll toss in some random stuff I laughed at this month but, for whatever reason, didn’t post here earlier.

Heeeere we go.

Northman loves my drunken texts. Which is good, because with the blue-hairs around last month, there were plenty.

First, I saw this ( ←) yesterday and laughed my ass off. This is 100% a GREAT idea, and if you can keep your sense-of-humor hat on instead of going all, “Ooooh, that’s too ‘Big Brother’ if my phone knows I’m wasted,” then it’s pretty fucking funny.

Second, take a gander over yonder at the site hit numbers →. Oh, yeah. That’s more than 2,000 hits in a month. THAT is a blog-gasm. I’m super excited. Now let’s just get some more fans on the Facebook page so people will know when there’s something new here.

Numero Tres: Did you know if you go to the WordPress home page and select “topics” and then type in “fucking” that you’ll find some really freaky crap? Well, shit, searching for “sexy” or “Northman” wasn’t yielding great results, so I went the other direction. I thought maybe I’d find some blogs like mine with some random sexiness in there. Uh, no. Warning! If you don’t want to know what “fisting” is, DO NOT TRY THIS SEARCH. Wow. A lot has changed since I was last out there, people. A fucking lot has changed.

And Four: I found this neat site that lets you make graphic representations of relevant words on your site. I don’t know what people really use this for, but I thought it was neat, and here’s what I made. Didn’t even need to paint any macaroni!

Cinco de Awesome-o: Damn, that would have pissed my high school Spanish teacher off big time. No sense of humor. Anyway, this ↓ is what I posted this month in no particular order (and in kind of a mess because I don’t have a hell of a lot of control over the formatting here), not counting just little crap like a poll and letting y’all know I’m on Facebook. Which I am. And you should be too.

Six…more months until True Blood Season Five, so here’s one of my favorite scenes from Season Four, which I just rewatched because there’s so much Northman sex. Oh, Pam. I thank Mr. Coffee for whomever cast you and made your role so much bigger in the show than the books.

Also… A shout out to Karen B., Liesel B., Rebecca Z., Nicole S., and Tara C. for all your super funny posts on the Facebook wall!! Y’all are hilarious, ladies!! Keep it up, gals!!

And Now, A Message From Mr. Northman

Taking One For The Team

Elves, Men, Monkeys, and MartinisThe 12 Hours of Christmas

JPAMDD

The Versatile Blogger Award.

You People Need Help.

This Is Why Republicans Fear Me

I Sound My Barbaric Yawp Over The Roofs Of The World.

It's Always The Guy With The Panel Van

Did I Miss Something Here?

Blog-gasms

Shaved Pussies Are For Pussies

There Isn't Enough Purrell On The Planet For This Shit.

You're Just Coitusing With Me, Aren't You?

You People Need Help. (This one actually IS a PMS-Driven Rant.)

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After 18 days of winter vacation (not that anyone’s counting), I dropped the minions back off at school this morning, came home, praised Mr. Coffee at great length, and sat down to check Facebook while I had some Lucky Charms and lactose-free “milk.” I really gotta go grocery shopping because both of those things suck, but I was hungry and there wasn’t any cold pizza. Or warm pizza for that matter.

If it's crunchy, it's not a marshmallow. If it's lactose-free, it's not milk.

Anyway, I sat down with my bowl and almost spit magical dehydrated unicorn tail-shaped “marshmallows” all over my keyboard when I saw post after post of crap like this:

  • Janie McSpecialPants: “Can’t believe the kiddos are going back to school ALREADY! Where did vacation go?!? I want my little snuggle muffins home with Momma!”
  • Angie Smoochmuffin: “Only 96 days ‘til Easter! Can’t believe I haven’t stocked up on supplies for our annual three-county bike-race/egg hunt yet! Who’s up for making some decoupage Jesus figurines this afternoon to get things started?”
  • Gracie Loveykins: “Dear Summer Vacation: Could you please come super duper early this year? My kids have only been back at school an hour and I miss those little pumpkin-butts already!”

Here’s a little Public Service Announcement, Cathy-Style: If you wrote a Facebook status update, Tweet, blog post, article comment, or any other publicly visible bit of online material today that looked anything like the above, call your doctor to have your meds adjusted and then delete that shit right fucking now. No one wants to read that crap. It’s either not true, or something is really, really wrong with you. Also, don’t expect any responses from me on Facebook ever again, because I am hiding you in my newsfeed.

Next time someone tags me in a pic like this, I am going to upload a pic of a gigantic turd and tag them back.

Posts like that are right up there with entire photo albums of people’s dogs in various holiday-related outfits. You know what I’m talking about. We all have that friend who treats her dog like it’s a kid and then tags you in the dog picture to make absolutely sure you see it, so then your “Photos of Angie Smoochmuffin” include a fucking schnauzer in a leprechaun suit. I gotta say this once: Cut that shit out, people. Cut that out now. Dogs are not people, web dwellers. And I like dogs. But they’re dogs, and I am not, so don’t fucking tag me in your pooch-pic.

But as usual, I digress (But that digression was important, admit it.). It’s one thing to post pictures and updates about having a great time with your kids or even about feeling so lucky to have such great minions once in a while. Kids are great … when they’re not, oh, say, awake or talking to me (relax, it’s a joke, people), but really? Your kids go back to school, from which they will return TODAY, and you likely haven’t had a moment of quiet in almost three weeks, and you miss them so much you have to shout it from the modern proverbial rooftop that is Facebook? Or you need to get a head start on making every normal parent you know feel inadequate through your ludicrously over-achieving wastes of time? Don’t you people work? Shit. If I had a whole fucking morning to myself, I’d take a damn nap, not tweet about how sad I am that it’s quiet enough to do so.

So, that’s it. That’s all I have in me this morning, web dwellers. Who’s up for martinis? School is in session and I am fucking celebrating.