Tag Archives: Internet

A List of Shit That Pisses Me Off

Standard

It’s been a while since we had ourselves a good, long rant here on the blog, and I think it’s about time to rectify that. So here’s my list of shit that pisses me off. Notice that it’s not “Shit that’s pissing me off today.” No, this is a list of all the things that are constantly pissing me off, and it’s not in any particular order or level of severity. It’s just in the order that I thought of it. Lazy, I know.

  • This is my new word of the week.

    Facebook: Facebook is pissing me off a LOT. WTF, Facebook? I post to my page “fans” and only 15% of them get to see the post? WTF kind of lamesauce are you asshats cooking up over there? This means business/blog/professional pages will just overpost to compensate, and ultimately that will piss off standard Facebook users. Duh. What, you go public and now it’s time to piss everyone off? Because if that’s the goal, well played, douche canoes. Well played.

  • Facebook users: Facebook users who can’t take the time to type properly or, apparently, the time to take a fucking English class despite having been born in this country and having spoken and written English their entire lives, piss me off. You know, maybe I should just stay off Facebook. It’s not helping my stress level. But seriously, who are these buttmunches? They post shit like, “i am so shur they’re not even lisining to what your saying u shoud definately say sumthing its ridikulus.” The grammar and spelling (and lack thereof) are bad enough to keep me up at night. It is damn near fucking impossible for me to read a single page of updates without having the skin-crawling heebie-boo-jeebies as I imagine a whole generation of text-speaking illiterates attempting to run our country as they submit new legislation to Congress called the “Billz of online Rites LOL.” May Mr. Coffee help us all.
  • Women who say “hubby” all the time: Seriously? WTF, ladies? He’s your husband, not your “hubby.” Does he call you his “wifey?” Because let me fucking tell you, if he DOES, you should A) Keep that crap to yourselves and B) Stop it. Stop it right fucking now. You’re annoying the crap out of EVERYONE. If you don’t care, then rock on with your annoyingness. If you do care, you’re fucking welcome for the smack upside your figurative head.
  • Or at least hide you from his newsfeed. I sure did.

    More Facebook users:People who post nothing to Facebook except a constantly updated stream that is basically an unfathomably long progression of variations of the exact same thing:

    • People who post hourly scripture passages, reminders to people of how blessed they are because Jesus loves them, and calls to lift up entire families in prayer annoy me. Yes, I’m happy for you that you have something that makes you happy and helps you make sense of the world. I’m sure your constant Facebooking while you ignore your kids/job/pets is definitely earning you all sorts of metaphysical brownie points with Jesus who will save you a good seat on the fast track express bus to the good neighborhood in Heaven.
    • People who use Facebook for their passive-aggressive and/or co-dependent thinly veiled cries for help. You need help? Fucking ask for it. Don’t post shit like, “Throwing in the towel. Can’t take this any more. Bye,” or “What’s the point? Unbelievable.” This is both uncomfortable and annoying. You need help, ask. You don’t, then just fucking say whatever it is you’re trying to get people to ask about before you’ll say it and skip the middleman. Basic economics, asshats.
    • People who post nothing but pictures of their dogs, kids, or food: cut that shit out. Occasional pics of any of the three are interesting. A running diary of any of the three is not. Also, once the food is mostly EATEN, fucking stop taking pictures of it, weirdos.
  • Even more Facebook users:
    • People who just post idiotic images they think are funny but really aren’t, if only because the same images have been around for so fucking long that these people just look even more idiotic for posting some thing so old and thinking it’s incredibly original.
    • People who repost shit that Snopes can tell you is BS in about 2.4 seconds.
    • People who “like” EVERYTHING you do on Facebook. Everything. “I was late for my meeting this morning after Janie spilled chocolate milk all over my silk blouse right as I was walking out the door and then Joey puked in my hair.” {LIKE!} Fuck you.

What the fuck am I doing on Facebook? Apparently it just annoys the shit out of me.

And then, there are some other people I find as annoying as forks in the spoon section of the silverware drawer, but I deleted that part because this was getting too long and the part I deleted wasn’t funny enough to merit a damn online novel. You’re welcome.

You know, that’s still a long fucking list and it did not take me long to think of it. That’s a lotta pissed off for someone who’s still in her jammies. Sweet Jesus in Birks. I really do need to get laid.

“I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.”

Standard

I made this huge mistake this morning. I sat down to eat my Special K and non-fat milk (yeah, web dwellers, the holidays were not good for my ass-shrinking efforts, but at least I’ve gone shopping so I wasn’t eating whatever passes for marshmallows in Lucky Charms), and I turned on what I thought was some fairly innocuous morning blather: The Today Show. I figured Ann and Matt would be cooking some sort of crap in five minutes that would take most people three hours, then Al would make some self-deprecating joke, somebody would kiss a baby, and I’d be done with my cereal and ready to get to work. But, no.

What happened to childbirth being the "great equalizer" among women? There was a fucking kitchen in the suite where this kid was born. Seriously? What? Are you cooking up some placenta, weirdos?

First, Matt Lauer interviewed a woman whose baby girl has been missing for a month and grilled her about her baby’s father as if he’d already been convicted of killing this poor sweet child. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Ann then interviewed a couple who were kept from seeing their NICU-bound premature twins because Beyoncé and DJ Jibbity Jabber or whateverthefuck that dude’s name is decided to shut down a hallway for some kind of catered lunch for their plant-name-bearing offspring. [Side Rant: If you’re going to shell out half a billion dollars to give birth in some kind of Ritz Carlton Birthing Haven, why not take that money, build a stocked clinic in your 25,000 square foot monstrosity of a mansion, and hire some medical staff to manage your pseudo-home-birth there? Then you can have whatever kind of idiotic camera-blocking Robocops you want trolling the halls and you don’t have to piss off the whole country doing it. While you’re at it, consider not naming your child something really fucking stupid. Picking an actual NAME would be a good start.] Then there was some crap about yet another Republican presidential candidate who was doing something or someone he shouldn’t, and then there was, thank God, a commercial (Really, State Farm? Using the Cheers theme song? What is that about?), which snapped me out of my TV trance long enough for me to shut that thing off and get my ass to work.

But work was really no better. I took a “break” (aka: I was procrastinating) and went on Facebook, only to see a story about how people in India are having selective abortions and committing mass infanticide to rid their families of baby girls because dowries are too expensive and girls don’t bring the family any money when they marry. What. The. Fuck? I’ve got news for people in India: if no one has girls, all those boys are going to be pretty fucked when they grow up, and not in the good way.

That's Walt Whitman, web dwellers, not Robin Williams in "Dead Poets Society." But that's pretty good too.

Then I saw in my newsfeed that one friend was in the hospital, another’s kid broke a limb and a lamp in the same incident, and yet another had experienced a death in the family. Jiminy Freaking Cricket, web dwellers. I closed my eyes for a moment and let the thoughts just swirl around in my overloaded brain, trying to picture my mind as a colander that could sift out all the bad stuff and let it come out as one barbaric yawp that might scare anyone in a 40-foot radius but would at least get this horrible, unthinkable shit out of my brain.

That did not work.

In fact, if anything, my self-indulgently strangled yawp made me aware that there is no escaping this 24-hour-news-cycle of a world we live in at the moment. The Internet is here. Cable TV is here. And that shit’s not going away. So, I suppose, the only choice we have is to decide how we’re going to deal with the resulting info-overload. For me, I think I’ll try to remind myself that many, if not all, of these things would be happening whether they belonged to the collective consciousness or not. We just know about it now because CNN needs enough crap to keep their advertisers happy 24/7/365 (or this year, 366).

Missing children, self-important celeb-stitutes, genocide, male-prostitute-fucking “conservative” political candidates, dishonest politicians (redundant, I know), famine, war, and just straight-up stupid assholes … these things have pretty much always been around. There was a time when we didn’t have to know about it all. We could bury our heads like so many ostriches and not read The New York Times if we wanted to live in our bubbles. But I gotta tell you, web dwellers, that bubble has burst. And it does appear as though we’ve landed in a big pile of craptasticness.

So, instead of loathing the Internet, and cable TV, and the swirling vortex of Monsanto-polluted-cropland that used to be our planet, I’ve got a better idea. I’m going to use the means at my disposal (my laptop, my words, my Wi-Fi) to continue to bring you people as many laughs and smiles and ideas for shit to try with your sex partner(s) as I possibly can. Because we all need that these days. After all, it’s only going to get worse. It’s an election year.

P.S. As usual, remember to comment here ↓ and both “like” me on Facebook and “follow” Confessions of a Sexy Mom here →. Thanks!

P.P.S. It should be illegal to have major elections during a Leap Year. With all the damn campaigning, money wasting, and mud-slinging, a regular year is (by far) long enough.