Yesterday was pretty interesting. Here I was, just going about my sexy mom business, tweeting and posting and Facebooking for you crazy people in between doing some work I actually get paid for, when all of a sudden, our very own Mr. Northman texts me that heās made me a new video. A six-part series, to be exact, this custom-made-for-Cathy epic was porntastic, featured every bit of ink on Northmanās rockinā body, and was complete with a soundtrack including some vintage 70s metal. I could not download this thing fast enough. I started watching the first segment before the other five were even done uploading on his end. Oh, bless you, Mr. Coffee, for giving us the gift of rapid file-sharing software.
Oh yeah, I'm going straight to hell. But so is Northman, so I don't fucking care.
Northman rang me up on Skype so he could enjoy seeing my response to this, his latest foray into sexematography, in which he repeatedly changes camera angles to suit each phase of the scenario, gives some out-fucking-standing product demos I hope heās getting royalties for, shares his thoughts on threesomes and some positions Iām going to have to start doing yoga to ever attempt, and finishes off with a grand slam of a finale I simply cannot wait to see recreated in person. After about 5 minutes, I was so damn grateful for: A) choosing to work from home for the day and B) having wifi and a laptop so I could move to the bedroom without any disruption.
I tried so hard to watch this whole thing, yāall. But seriously, I was so distracted watching Northman on Skype and seeing how much he liked seeing my (obvious, excessive, feral) reaction to his videos and watching my reciprocal performance as the videos were playing that when I watched it all again alone last night, I realized Iād missed quite a lot of it. What a flippinā bonus. Holy fucking mackeroley. Yāall, if Our Dear Sweet Heavenly Mr. Coffee is in any way opposed to any of this, Iām sorry, but I am going to hell in gasoline panties. And itāll be worth it.
When I recovered my ability to speak and had taken a really, really long shower, I got back to work for the day and was on such an endorphin high that I buzzed through the rest of my afternoon like some kind of Tasmanian Devil if those guys could, you know, type and make phone calls. Once the minions were settled in for the night, I checked in on the COASM Facebook page (which Northman says as āCo-as-um,ā so it rhymes with āorgasm,ā and now thatās stuck in my head because itās awesome), and yāall were in rare form talking about the list of search terms Iād posted on the blog yesterday. These were the terms people had used to get to the blog via search engines over the past three months, and one of them, āElf Porn,ā was the clear frontrunner for funniest fucking thing Iāve heard in a damn long time.
This lead to a crazy conversation on a couple of postsā threads (which you can see on the āco-asmā FB page) about cock rings, yo-yos, and elf porn. It also spawned requests for both a post from Northman himself and for COASM merchandising. Because I donāt have enough to do without designing dirty tee shirts and douche-canoe- and elf-porn-themed coffee mugs, right?
I'll post to Facebook and Twitter when the store's open, so be sure you're following the feeds! Links are in the right-hand menu here!
Well, web dwellers, ask and you shall receive. The Confessions of A Sexy Mom Zazzle.com store, aptly titled “The Pink Moustachery,” will be up and running and fully stocked by Monday. If any of you have design, text, or product ideas, bring āem on. If anyone wants to help? Yeah, bring that shit on, too.
But the big news is that, while at least one person will be disappointed that heās not going to write any elf porn, our very own Mr. Northman will be writing a blog entry for yāall. What will he write about? Any fucking thing he wants. You know why? Because heās effinā Northman! According to you crazy people, heās like MacGuyver or Jack Bauer or fucking Chuck Norris. Heās effinā Northman, and he can do whatever he wants! And, Sweet Jesus In Birks, last night, after that crazyass day, he showed me that what he really wants to doā¦is me.
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