Tag Archives: twitter

Elf Porn: A Tiny Obsession

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Yesterday was pretty interesting. Here I was, just going about my sexy mom business, tweeting and posting and Facebooking for you crazy people in between doing some work I actually get paid for, when all of a sudden, our very own Mr. Northman texts me that he’s made me a new video. A six-part series, to be exact, this custom-made-for-Cathy epic was porntastic, featured every bit of ink on Northman’s rockin’ body, and was complete with a soundtrack including some vintage 70s metal. I could not download this thing fast enough. I started watching the first segment before the other five were even done uploading on his end. Oh, bless you, Mr. Coffee, for giving us the gift of rapid file-sharing software.

Oh yeah, I'm going straight to hell. But so is Northman, so I don't fucking care.

Northman rang me up on Skype so he could enjoy seeing my response to this, his latest foray into sexematography, in which he repeatedly changes camera angles to suit each phase of the scenario, gives some out-fucking-standing product demos I hope he’s getting royalties for, shares his thoughts on threesomes and some positions I’m going to have to start doing yoga to ever attempt, and finishes off with a grand slam of a finale I simply cannot wait to see recreated in person. After about 5 minutes, I was so damn grateful for: A) choosing to work from home for the day and B) having wifi and a laptop so I could move to the bedroom without any disruption.

I tried so hard to watch this whole thing, y’all. But seriously, I was so distracted watching Northman on Skype and seeing how much he liked seeing my (obvious, excessive, feral) reaction to his videos and watching my reciprocal performance as the videos were playing that when I watched it all again alone last night, I realized I’d missed quite a lot of it. What a flippin’ bonus. Holy fucking mackeroley. Y’all, if Our Dear Sweet Heavenly Mr. Coffee is in any way opposed to any of this, I’m sorry, but I am going to hell in gasoline panties. And it’ll be worth it.

When I recovered my ability to speak and had taken a really, really long shower, I got back to work for the day and was on such an endorphin high that I buzzed through the rest of my afternoon like some kind of Tasmanian Devil if those guys could, you know, type and make phone calls. Once the minions were settled in for the night, I checked in on the COASM Facebook page (which Northman says as “Co-as-um,” so it rhymes with “orgasm,” and now that’s stuck in my head because it’s awesome), and y’all were in rare form talking about the list of search terms I’d posted on the blog yesterday. These were the terms people had used to get to the blog via search engines over the past three months, and one of them, “Elf Porn,” was the clear frontrunner for funniest fucking thing I’ve heard in a damn long time.

This lead to a crazy conversation on a couple of posts’ threads (which you can see on the “co-asm” FB page) about cock rings, yo-yos, and elf porn. It also spawned requests for both a post from Northman himself and for COASM merchandising. Because I don’t have enough to do without designing dirty tee shirts and douche-canoe- and elf-porn-themed coffee mugs, right?

I'll post to Facebook and Twitter when the store's open, so be sure you're following the feeds! Links are in the right-hand menu here!

Well, web dwellers, ask and you shall receive. The Confessions of A Sexy Mom Zazzle.com store, aptly titled “The Pink Moustachery,” will be up and running and fully stocked by Monday. If any of you have design, text, or product ideas, bring ‘em on. If anyone wants to help? Yeah, bring that shit on, too.

But the big news is that, while at least one person will be disappointed that he’s not going to write any elf porn, our very own Mr. Northman will be writing a blog entry for y’all. What will he write about? Any fucking thing he wants. You know why? Because he’s effin’ Northman! According to you crazy people, he’s like MacGuyver or Jack Bauer or fucking Chuck Norris. He’s effin’ Northman, and he can do whatever he wants! And, Sweet Jesus In Birks, last night, after that crazyass day, he showed me that what he really wants to do…is me.

 

 

 

 

 

The Monthly Wrap Up And Some Random Crap

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Greetings, web dwellers! Well, we’ve been together for three months now, and I’ve managed to somehow get people to click on the site over 4,000 times, so I guess the blog doesn’t completely suck, and I’ll stick with it another month. After all, this month we instituted the Pink Moustache Award, and who doesn’t want more of THAT awesomeness?

So, what did I get you on this momentous occasion? Well, I thought today you might like a little sneak peek into the inner workings of Confessions of A Sexy Mom. So, for your viewing (dis)pleasure, here’s a little snapshot of the shit I see every day but you usually don’t: My site stats. More specifically, this is a list of search terms people have used that have landed them here on the Sexy Mom blog. As you would expect, it’s fairly fucked up.

What. The... What??!?

*For those of you wearing reading glasses that still aren’t cutting it, click the image. It’ll open in a second window. Click that, and it should enlarge. If only all things enlarged with a few clicks. *Sigh*

 

Believe it or not, that list goes on for another half a page but it got boring so I cropped it. If I learned anything from this little stat-reviewing experiment, it’s this: Most people who get here via web search get here basically by accident. Which is pretty much how I ended up here. So I guess it makes sense. How did you find the blog?

Thanks for a great month! Please make sure you’re following the blog on Facebook and/or Twitter by clicking the links to the right! 🙂

 

 

Happy New Vibrator Day To Me

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Dear Web Dwellers,

While millions of you lovely folks are off enjoying the commercially requisite bliss of having that special someone bestow you with sparkling gems, flowers, or chocolate, I am single this Valentine’s Day. For those of you celebrating: rock on, web dwellers. Have yourselves some mind-blowing sex and don’t forget to work in some sexting this afternoon leading up to it. As for me, I’ll be celebrating by breaking in my brand-new vibrator, which, fittingly enough, FedEx dropped off on my doorstep this morning, so I got to unwrap a present today, even if I did pay for it myself. Ok, fine. Vibrators. Plural. A girl needs to have options, after all. Side note: Just because it says “waterproof” on the package does not mean it’s actually waterproof. Hence the need for (at least one of these) new vibrators. 

So, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day for those of us having sex with lovers, via Skype, or all by ourselves with battery operated (hopefully non-toxic) Chinese silicone, I bring you my own little hand-made Valentines, just for you. Feel free to share with those you love or simply want to annoy.

Love,

Cathy

You People Need Help. (This one actually IS a PMS-Driven Rant.)

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After 18 days of winter vacation (not that anyone’s counting), I dropped the minions back off at school this morning, came home, praised Mr. Coffee at great length, and sat down to check Facebook while I had some Lucky Charms and lactose-free “milk.” I really gotta go grocery shopping because both of those things suck, but I was hungry and there wasn’t any cold pizza. Or warm pizza for that matter.

If it's crunchy, it's not a marshmallow. If it's lactose-free, it's not milk.

Anyway, I sat down with my bowl and almost spit magical dehydrated unicorn tail-shaped “marshmallows” all over my keyboard when I saw post after post of crap like this:

  • Janie McSpecialPants: “Can’t believe the kiddos are going back to school ALREADY! Where did vacation go?!? I want my little snuggle muffins home with Momma!”
  • Angie Smoochmuffin: “Only 96 days ‘til Easter! Can’t believe I haven’t stocked up on supplies for our annual three-county bike-race/egg hunt yet! Who’s up for making some decoupage Jesus figurines this afternoon to get things started?”
  • Gracie Loveykins: “Dear Summer Vacation: Could you please come super duper early this year? My kids have only been back at school an hour and I miss those little pumpkin-butts already!”

Here’s a little Public Service Announcement, Cathy-Style: If you wrote a Facebook status update, Tweet, blog post, article comment, or any other publicly visible bit of online material today that looked anything like the above, call your doctor to have your meds adjusted and then delete that shit right fucking now. No one wants to read that crap. It’s either not true, or something is really, really wrong with you. Also, don’t expect any responses from me on Facebook ever again, because I am hiding you in my newsfeed.

Next time someone tags me in a pic like this, I am going to upload a pic of a gigantic turd and tag them back.

Posts like that are right up there with entire photo albums of people’s dogs in various holiday-related outfits. You know what I’m talking about. We all have that friend who treats her dog like it’s a kid and then tags you in the dog picture to make absolutely sure you see it, so then your “Photos of Angie Smoochmuffin” include a fucking schnauzer in a leprechaun suit. I gotta say this once: Cut that shit out, people. Cut that out now. Dogs are not people, web dwellers. And I like dogs. But they’re dogs, and I am not, so don’t fucking tag me in your pooch-pic.

But as usual, I digress (But that digression was important, admit it.). It’s one thing to post pictures and updates about having a great time with your kids or even about feeling so lucky to have such great minions once in a while. Kids are great … when they’re not, oh, say, awake or talking to me (relax, it’s a joke, people), but really? Your kids go back to school, from which they will return TODAY, and you likely haven’t had a moment of quiet in almost three weeks, and you miss them so much you have to shout it from the modern proverbial rooftop that is Facebook? Or you need to get a head start on making every normal parent you know feel inadequate through your ludicrously over-achieving wastes of time? Don’t you people work? Shit. If I had a whole fucking morning to myself, I’d take a damn nap, not tweet about how sad I am that it’s quiet enough to do so.

So, that’s it. That’s all I have in me this morning, web dwellers. Who’s up for martinis? School is in session and I am fucking celebrating.