Tag Archives: sex toys

Lez-Be Friends


I’m seriously considering becoming a lesbian. Why the hell not? Women seem to be an infinitely better option right now than men. I’ve already got my minions and, even if I don’t like it, I’m pretty good at killing my own bugs, so men are of limited usefulness to me at this point. Let’s ignore for a moment the fact that I am just not gay, as much as I wish I were, and that being gay is not a choice, so I really have no say in this matter. Aside from that, why the hell not?

Let’s take this from a practical, if ludicrously generalizing, perspective (haters, start taking notes here):

  • Women are better at multitasking, so they can, oh, you know, hold babies and text, take phone calls, or poop at the same time.
  • At least real kiwis ALWAYS taste good.

    Women are sexy most of the time, even when we don’t feel sexy, if only because society and marketing have programmed us to see women as sexual objects by barraging us with sexualized images of women 24/7, because “pretty is as pretty does.” Men, on the other hand, look like deflated kiwis that need to go down the disposal when they bend over naked in the bathroom. They can’t all be Northman or Tyler Durden. We can’t all be Cindy Crawford either, but somehow we’re still generally more attractive than they are. Maybe it’s because we aren’t likely to fart, pick our noses, grab our crotches, or be otherwise generally disgusting outside the aforementioned bathroom.

  • Women aren’t as afraid of their feelings as men. They like you or they don’t. They love you or they don’t. None of this, “Well, I really like you, and I want to fuck you, but let’s just keep it casual, k?” crap. The flip side of this has a lot to do with the third-date U-Haul jokes my gay girlfriends tell me. I used to think it meant lesbians do it in trucks on the third date, but apparently I was wrong.  Read the rest of this entry

Did I Miss Something Here?


So, I’m at the drug store picking up some allergy medicine for Kid #1, and I walked down the wrong aisle. What to my wondering eyes did appear but this: A vibrating cock ring. At the drug store. On the shelf. Next to the condoms, yes, but still, at the fucking drug store? Did I miss something here? When did that happen?

Now, granted, prior to my divorce, I was in a completely monogamous relationship before and during my marriage. So it’s been well over a decade since I needed to buy condoms, which means I’ve had no business in that part of any store. But cock rings? When did they make the leap from XXX-Sex-O-Rama-Mart to Walmart? I did a little research for you, web dwellers. You can buy these things at any number of drug stores like CVS, Walgreens, and Rite Aide, and even at the bigger stores like Walmart and Target. I’m assuming you can buy them elsewhere, but I just can’t bring myself to look and see whether they’re available in the same stores where I buy my kids’ juice boxes.

So here’s my question, or one of them anyway: Why just cock rings? Why not dildos? Why not butt plugs? Why not vibrators? Why not have a whole gigantic sex-a-palooza section right next to the soft drinks? Oh, what’s that? You CAN buy little mini vibrators at Target? Well, fuck me. And not in the good way. That is just fucking wrong.

A vibrating cock ring is a sex toy. And sex toys belong at the sex toy store, not three feet away from displays of pregnancy tests and maxi pads. First, I’d think having to look at pregnancy tests while you’re shopping for cock rings would kind of kill the mood. Second, DID I FUCKING MISS SOMETHING HERE??

Sex is a beautiful thing, yes. But it’s beautiful the way childbirth is beautiful. Amazing to experience, and yet not really something you want to watch (or imagine) 99% of the population engage in. I feel bad for the 17-year-old Catholic school-attending checker at the drug store, having to ring up some skeevy dude’s cock ring purchase without vomiting. The gal running checkout at the local Sex-O-Rama, however, is used to this. The last time I went to one of those places, the checker put batteries in my friend’s new purchase to test it before we left. What kind of weird-ass job is that? Testing other people’s sex toys? Jiminy Cricket, people. If you’re up for testing other people’s whateverthefuckthatwas, then I guess you’re cool with selling cock rings.

As I start venturing back out into this dating world filled with drugstore cock rings, I’m starting to wonder: how could so much have changed in 15 years? I feel like Rip Van Winkle, waking up to find that the world as I knew it has been taken over by some kind of oversexed alien population. On the one hand: Rock on! This is going to be fucking fun! On the other hand, it’s a freaking drug store, people. That’s a teeny step up from a convenient store, friends. And there is such a thing as too convenient.