Tag Archives: Northman

Lez-Be Friends

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I’m seriously considering becoming a lesbian. Why the hell not? Women seem to be an infinitely better option right now than men. I’ve already got my minions and, even if I don’t like it, I’m pretty good at killing my own bugs, so men are of limited usefulness to me at this point. Let’s ignore for a moment the fact that I am just not gay, as much as I wish I were, and that being gay is not a choice, so I really have no say in this matter. Aside from that, why the hell not?

Let’s take this from a practical, if ludicrously generalizing, perspective (haters, start taking notes here):

  • Women are better at multitasking, so they can, oh, you know, hold babies and text, take phone calls, or poop at the same time.
  • At least real kiwis ALWAYS taste good.

    Women are sexy most of the time, even when we don’t feel sexy, if only because society and marketing have programmed us to see women as sexual objects by barraging us with sexualized images of women 24/7, because “pretty is as pretty does.” Men, on the other hand, look like deflated kiwis that need to go down the disposal when they bend over naked in the bathroom. They can’t all be Northman or Tyler Durden. We can’t all be Cindy Crawford either, but somehow we’re still generally more attractive than they are. Maybe it’s because we aren’t likely to fart, pick our noses, grab our crotches, or be otherwise generally disgusting outside the aforementioned bathroom.

  • Women aren’t as afraid of their feelings as men. They like you or they don’t. They love you or they don’t. None of this, “Well, I really like you, and I want to fuck you, but let’s just keep it casual, k?” crap. The flip side of this has a lot to do with the third-date U-Haul jokes my gay girlfriends tell me. I used to think it meant lesbians do it in trucks on the third date, but apparently I was wrong.  Read the rest of this entry

Mo Dick, Mo Problems

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So I’m Skype texting with my girlfriend, Grayce, whom we girls call, “Gray,” because her life is all sorts of 50 Shades, and I’m telling her how the latest guy to catch my attention, Joe, is, predictably, an asshat.

Me: Girl, WTF? Why are men such douche canoes?

Gray: Because they have fool tools.

I added a flower, so it’s not crass. Yes, you can buy this at The Pink Moustachery. I’m all about customer service, web dwellers.

Me: The bigger the fool tool, the bigger the douche canoe.

Gray: Sounds like my ex. Total fool, but what a great fucking tool.

Me: Seriously. Your ex should come with a warning label: Mo dick, mo problems.

Gray: LOL!! OMG, girl, that is the TRUTH!

Me: At least a big dick is a good distraction, if you don’t let it distract you from how big a dick its owner is.

Gray: OMG! We need to put that shit on an e-Card.

Me: Too much work. I’ll just blog it. And I’ll call your ex “Moe” on the blog just because that shit’s funny.

Gray: I’m laughing so hard I’m gonna wake up my kids.

Me: Men are good for killing bugs, lifting heavy shit, and sex. In that priority order.

Gray: Truth.

Me: It’s all shit I can do myself, but I’d rather have it done for me.

Gray: E-card. E-card. E-card.

Me: If prostitution were legal, I would buy a man whore to kill my bugs naked.

Gray: That is a GREAT idea.

Me: The guy would be naked, not the bugs. I mean, the bugs are naked too, but that’s not the point.

Gray: Are you drunk?

Me: And then, after he killed the bug on my wall, I’d be all, “Bitch, go get a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. Mama can’t cum with bug guts on the wall!”

Gray: Must. Document. On. E-cards.

Me: If I ran shit, I would make it mandatory for sex ed teachers to explain to guys WHY a woman should cum first. Divorce rates would plummet. You’re welcome, Entire Fucking Planet.

Gray: So true!!

Me: You want her to do that thing? With the thing? Like you saw on YouPorn? Make sure she cums first.

Gray: LOL!!

Me: And yes, YouPorn is a thing. Thank you, Northman.

Gray: OMG. I can see you lecturing teenagers. You’ll write books.

Me: Yeah, I’ll be “researching” for my book and going, “Not now, baby, Mama’s browsing YouPorn.”

There is so much wrong with this.

Me: Seriously, if they spent half as much time explaining to teenage boys why it’s better for a woman to cum first as they do telling teenage girls not to have sex at all, all would be right with the world. Because you know, when mama’s not happy, nooooobody’s happy.

Gray: So fucking true. Luckily, I’ve never had a selfish lover. They all love making me cum.

Me: Fuck you.

Pause with no response from Gray.

Me: You’re googling YouPorn aren’t you? Admit it!

Gray: Me? No.

Me: No, you’re just on Zazzle or something ordering tee-shirts with “Mo dick mo problems.”

Gray: I was not! I wasn’t!

Me: ….

Gray: I was gonna do it tomorrow.

Me: There it is.

Gray: Well, it’s true! Mo dick, mo problems! Moe was so big, I couldn’t fit that shit in my mouth.

Me: That’s too much dick. That’s like having GGG tits. More than a mouthful is wasteful.

Gray: He is huge. The sex was awesome. Too bad by the time things ended I didn’t want anything to do with his thang.

Me: Dude. If you divorce a man that big, vaginal rejuvenation surgery should be part of the divorce settlement. Be like, “You broke my heart. Fine. But my pussy you have to fix.”

Gray: That could pass here in California. You may be onto something.

Me: Damn straight. Shit. They ruin our tits with pregnancy and nursing. You don’t wanna pay alimony forever? Tack the girls back up where they belong and turn this hallway of a pussy back into a straw. Level the damn playing field a LITTLE.

Gray: That is the funniest thing I have ever heard. Ever.

Me: My brain is all sorts of fucked up, girl. And I know what you find funny, so it’s easy. Mostly it’s the same shit I find funny, because you’re awesome. Obviously. I don’t hang with non-awesome women. They’re intimidated my awesomeness, and they get all clingy and offended by my cursing. I’m like, “You have given birth, woman. And you think some f-bombs are going to scar you?”

Gray: Omg! You are seriously awesome and so fucking funny.

For Gray. Don’t say I never did anything nice for you, you e-card demanding bitch who’s never had a man not help her finish first.

Me: Please. Come see my vagina if you want to see scars. C-sections do not make for good vajazzling canvases. As if it’s not enough to wax it, now it has to fucking sparkle?!? I’m not a vampire.

Gray: Dying. I’m dying.

Me: If a man needs your pussy to sparkle to be into it, he’s gay. Duh.

Gray: Where do you get this shit?

Me: This is my stream of consciousness. Something is fundamentally wrong with me.

Gray: Yeah, but we’ll make BANK on the tee-shirts.

Me: What’s this “we” business?

 

Don’t Kill The Messenger

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This is the only zombie image I could find that wasn’t going to give me nightmares from all the gory blood. Ick.

Alrighty, y’all. Don’t go all Florida zombie dude on me and eat my face when I tell you that Northman and I are through. Ok, wait, before I get into that, can I just say, WHAT THE FUCK, Florida? Face-eating zombies? What, now you get all the cool shit? Everyone knows zombies are the new vampires; there’s nothing more badass. So, why the hell would they go live … I mean, not live … with a bunch of old people and rednecks? Yeah, yeah, Penny lives there too, and not all southerners are rednecks, and Publix is sooo great. Whatever. I don’t think they sell brains at Publix, so the zombies aren’t there for your sexmart grocery stores. I mean, come on. Y’all already have a bizillion miles of beaches. Now you get to be the first ones to have zombies, too? Douche canoes.

Anyway, as I was saying, Northman and I have reverted to friend status. Before you start some kind of online petition to have his new girlfriend’s employer relocate her to Getoutofmyfuckingwayistan, let me say that I am 100% totally ok with this whole thing. Northman and I have been friends for a long time. I’ve lived my whole not-quite-forty (and wouldn’t tell you if I were) years without fucking this man; I’m pretty sure I can live the next forty(ish) years quite happily without doing him as well. Now, if I get to live to like, 90, and he’s single, and I’m single, bring on the geriatric sex, people. I swear to blog about it if I remember it afterward. But for now, Northman has gone back to being my friend.

Penny wanted to know why I was so fine with this whole thing, and I told her the simple truth, which is what I told y’all when I last posted: I love Northman. He’s my friend. Ergo, I want the man to be happy. If his new sort of girlfriend makes him happy, I say grab the fuck onto that woman and make her happy too. Despite our strong emotional connection and sexual tension, the odds of us ever having more than weekend away/vacation sex romps (albeit fucking awesome vacation sex romps) were always very slim. As I’ve said many times: he’s there and I’m here, and we have kids and exes and jobs and all of that. If we were in our 20s and unattached, things might be different, but that’s just not the case, and I’m good with that.

Seriously. I’m getting a little paranoid. Don’t eat my face. Not even my nose.

Part of me feels like, well, fuck, couldn’t he have waited to go all blushing, head-over-heels for this woman until after we had one of those aforementioned weekend sexcapades? I mean, Sweet Jesus in Birks, just one? But the truth is, if we’d had that and then he fell in love with this woman, THAT would have hurt. As it is, I just really and truly enjoyed all the fun we had over the last 6 or 7 months, and now it’s done, and I’m good with that, and it doesn’t hurt. The only thing that will hurt is if you guys freak out about this and do go all zombie on me and eat my face, so, you know, don’t do that.

So, that leaves me in, as they say, a bit of a quandary. I always wanted to say that. Quandry. Who comes up with these words? Anyhoo… the issue at hand: to blog or not to blog? I mean, let’s face it (which I can only do because I don’t live in Florida so I haven’t had my face eaten), the last few months..well, the last several months? Well, the last, whole history of this freaking blog has been very much about the progression of Cathy & Northman. Does the blog exist without Northman? I’m inclined to say yes. Why the heck not? I’m still here. I’m still funny. Now I just have to figure out what the hell to write about. Crap.

Well, that sucks.

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Hey, y’all. I know, I know. WTF have I been up to that I haven’t written. Well, the truth is, I have a pretty fucking crazy life at the moment, and it’s even crazier than usual, and not in a good way. Not in the “I’m too busy having crazyass sex every night to sit up and blog for you people,” way. More like the, “I’m too busy working my ass off and taking care of my minions while moving and dealing with a bunch of family crap,” way. So, you know, fun.

And now it’s summer vacation, and with the minions off school for the next year and a half (well, it FEELS like summer lasts that long!), I just don’t know how much blogging I’ll be doing. But, you awesome web dwellers, you deserve more than to have me vanish into the ether, so here’s an little snapshot of Cathy’s World at the moment.

Rest In Peace, Mr. Coffee. Praised Be.

I’m still “seeing” Northman virtually. Things have cooled off between us a bit. I think the novelty has kind of worn off. We’re close. We’re good friends. We have rockin’ Skype sex. He’s funny (not as funny as I am, but you know, nobody’s perfect). We have a solid connection and good chemistry. But the fact is, he’s there and I’m here, and even though we still plan to get together later this year, I’m not so sure it’ll be the fuckfest we had initially planned. Above and beyond all else, we want each other to be happy, and so I’m happy for him that he’s been dating someone who actually lives a car ride (and not a plane ride) away. I’m not even jealous or envious. I love him. I want him to find happiness, even if that means I never get to sleep with him. Although sleeping with him — and let me be clear, I mean fucking him — would be awesome. 

Jerry is still around here and there. He’s still kind of a douche canoe sometimes — so cocky — but he’s also a good guy who’s fun to hang out with. Work is busy with clients both interesting and boring as dirt. My minions are little Fonzies. Coolest fucking people you’ll ever meet, but without the leather jackets. Mr. Coffee died and was reincarnated at Target in a stainless steel body. Penny is up to her usual chicanery, always calling because she’s stunned at the idiocy and inefficiency of the average American only to have me remind her that she’s just so much smarter than average that what seems like common sense to her is Advanced Calculus to a person with a 100-point IQ. She hasn’t made me laugh into tears lately, or you’d have heard about it. But it won’t be long.

Oh, and I did read the new Sookie book, and I thought it fucking sucked. But I’ll live because the new season of True Blood starts in four days. Sookie better get some Northman sex. I mean, Sweet Jesus in Birks. At least one of us should.

There’s an App For That.

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So, I’m sitting on the back porch, sans big, heavy blanket, worshipping Mr. Coffee, when Penny calls. As usual, she doesn’t even say “hello,” but just launches into some random story:

Penny: Dude. Last night, Billy and I had the Best. Sex. Ever.

Me: Hi. Good morning. How are you? Oh, fine, thanks, how are you?

Penny: Dude. You’re not listening. Best. Sex. Ever.

Me: I’m listening. There are just some social niceties that one cannot ignore or the entire fabric of our society will collapse into anarchy, and we’ll be ruled by Emo teenagers wearing Nina Simone tee shirts.

Penny: Who’s Nina Simone?

Me: Someone Emo teenagers don’t listen to either. But they SHOULD.

Penny: What?

Me: Exactly.

Penny: Dude! You’re not flippin’ listening to me! Best sex!! Ever!

Me: I hear a blog post coming on.

Penny: Ohmygosh. Ohmygosh. Oh. Ohmygosh.

Me: Yeah, see, if you said that to me during sex, I’d be kind of underwhelmed.

Penny: Shut up.

Me: I hope this story gets better.

Penny: We tried about 15 new positions in one night. When you’ve been married for flippin’ ever, that’s a LOT.

Me: Ok, I was lying before. Now I’m listening.

Penny: It was unbelievable.

Me: What did you do? Get a Cosmo and take notes or something?

Penny: No! Dude!

Me: Have you been watching Cinemax again? I told you some of that shit is dangerous.

Penny: No! DUDE!

Me: Oh, no. Tell me you weren’t watching True Blood before bed. You’re not a vampire, honey. You can’t bend like that.

Penny: Shut up! I downloaded some free sex apps on my iPhone! Did you know there was such a thing? I mean, seriously, sex positions. There’s an app for that!

Me (almost shooting coffee through my nose): “There’s an app for that.” Awesome. Yes. I did know that, but hearing you say it has me picturing you studying and taking notes before bed.

Penny (proudly): Oh, no, dude. I took the phone with me to bed, and we held it up and followed the instructions.

Me: Ok, that’s a fucked up visual.

Penny: It was freaking awesome! We had to read the instructions for each one and then follow the diagrams; some of that stuff is complicated!

Me (biting lip to not laugh): Uh huh. And how did that work out for you?

Penny: Aside from when I dropped the phone on Billy’s head, it was pretty great!

Me (too late, laughing my ass off): On his head? Which one!?

Penny: Oh my gosh. You did not just say that!

Me: Oh, yes. I did. It’s fine. If you gave him a concussion, I’m sure there’s an app for that.

Note to sex app people: If you’re going to have an illustrated sex app, 1) Don’t use the same artist who does bathroom signs, and 2) Don’t let PAMPERS advertise on your app.

Penny: The sex apps were free. They had these little ads on them, but I just ex’d out of them.

Me: After you read them.

Penny: Well, yeah.

Me: You’re a riot.

Penny: Oh, and then? And then? This morning? At breakfast, my seven-year-old is playing with his iPod and goes, “Oh! You got me some new apps, Mommy?”

Me: Ohmygod.

Penny: Right? I grabbed his iPod so damn fast I about ripped his hand off. Apparently, there’s a setting for “automatically download all new apps to all devices using this iTunes account.”

Me: I’m going to call Northman and tell him all about this, and then I’m going to blog it. You know that, right?

Penny: Whatever flips your noodle, poodle.

Me: What?

Penny: Ohmygosh. I can’t wait for you to see Northman so you can try this one thing. I’m not sure we did it right, but it was awesome.

Me: I’m pretty damn sure any position with Northman will be fucking awesome. And I won’t need a diagram or a damn flow chart either.

Penny: No, you won’t. The chemistry between you two is crazy.

Me (insert stupid grin): I know. I can’t quite explain it.

Penny: Yup. He’s cabbage leaves on engorged boobs. Who the hell knows why, but it just works.

Me (laughing my damn ass off): You did not just say that.

Penny: Oh, yes. I did.

French sayings are weird, but everything in French sounds either romantic or dirty, so it works out.

+++Ten Minutes Later+++

Me: And then, ok, I’m still getting over her hitting him with the phone and almost giving her kid some seriously fucked up sex education with his Corn Flakes, and Penny goes, “Northman is cabbage leaves on engorged boobs. It doesn’t make sense but it just works.”

Northman (laughing): I’m cabbage?

Me: No, you’re cabbage leaves on engorged breasts. Don’t men know about that?

Northman: All I know about cabbage is that I just made cole slaw today. It was pretty fucking good! I’ll send you the recipe if you want.

Me: No thanks, I’m sure there’s an app for that.

Northman: Have fun blogging, mon petit choux.

I Am A Total Douche Canoe.

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In the last 48 hours, I’ve gotten five messages from readers who fall into two categories:

A) Girlfriend: Where the fuck are you? Are you shacked up with Northman and having too much freaky sex to write? If so, yay for you, but you’re a douche canoe for not telling us ALL about it.

B) Mom: Where on God’s green earth are you? Are you ok? Is Northman ok? Are y’all having a spat? Did something happen with your little ones? Did your computer get the virus? You know I know how the computers do that with the Google and whatnot especially with all those dirty pictures you post. Now, whatever it is, you don’t have to write about it, but let us know you’re not lying dead in a ditch somewhere without clean panties or a sweater on for heaven’s sake.

So, first, thanks, y’all. Thanks for worrying about me even if it makes me feel like a total douche canoe for worrying you. And thanks for writing in, which was completely the kick my sorry ass needed to get in gear and explain myself. Here’s the Siri.

(I don’t think we can call it “Here’s the 411,” anymore. Now you go, “Hey, Siri, what the number for the sex store on 4th Ave?” and she goes, “You slut. It’s in your contacts list.” So, “Here’s the Siri,” is way more 21st century than, “Here’s the 411,” and you know I’m aaaall about being up with the times, yo.)

Alright. So, when last we met, I wrote y’all some erotic fiction. Ok, that’s crap. I wrote y’all some smutty porn fabulousness and it was damn awesome and led to some seriously naughty conversations with Northman, so even if you hated it, I fucking loved it, and it’s my blog, so yay for me. After that, I was just waiting for some inspiration because you know, I don’t just write about nothing. I mean, I write about my seriously crazy life and all the weird crap that happens in it. Usually, so much weird crap happens that I have plenty to choose from and I share about a fifth of it with you. But for some reason, early last month, nothing happened. I mean NOTHING.

Nothing funny happened, so I didn’t have any “Donkey Vagina” stories to share. And Northman and I were out of sync for around a week, so there was nothing on that front. Which sucked. Even the douche canoe next door with his fucking motorcycle was oddly quiet. And y’all don’t read my blog for deep introspection, so yeah, I had pretty much nothing to tell you.

After about a week, I sat down and tried to make myself think of something to write for y’all, and I had nothing. Nada. Zero. I started several new drafts and just, yeah, fucking nothing. Writer’s Block. 

So I decided to give it a rest. Here’s where I fucked up. I should have sent out a notice: Hey, web dwellers. I’m not dead. I’m just taking a little sabbatical. Only I’m not getting paid for it like professors do, but then again I don’t get paid for writing my blog, so I guess it only makes sense that I don’t get paid to not write my blog either.

I fully admit to being Cathy: The Asshat Captain of the USS Douche Canoe for the last month.

But I didn’t send out a notice, and so I’m a douche canoe. And I’m sorry. Let’s hug it out, bitches. 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Yeah, I’m sending you a cheesy cyber hug. No copping a feel. Actually, go ahead. I’ll take what I can get these days.))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Alright. We good? Sweet. So here’s the rundown on your favorite characters who are actual people in my life: 

  1. Northman (obviously): Northman is in my good graces like you would not fucking believe. If my good graces were chocolate, he’d be covered in it like some kind of human Twix bar or something. This analogy is lame, but it also works because you know, licking…biting….yum. Fuck, I’m out of blogging practice.
  2. Jerry (when did we last talk about him?): He’s around. He’s like … well, fuck, y’all. He’s just not that important to me. Don’t know why I made him #2 on the list except that sometimes I think he’s full of #2, which is why he’s not that fucking important.
  3. Penny: Penny. Penny. Penny. What can I say about Penny? (Yes, I did that on purpose, BBT fans.) Penny’s life is so hilarious that I WISH she would write a blog, only she’s a terrible writer, so it would have to be more like a podcast of our conversations so y’all could get some remote clue as to how flippin’ hilarious her life gets. But in the immediate: She’s fine.
  4. My minions (who are always number one on any list except this one because I don’t write about them much): Fucking awesome. 

So, ok, web dwellers. That’s the scoop. I’m off to worship Mr. Coffee a bit. Also, fucking, hello?!!? True Blood comes back on the air in JUNE and there’s a new Sookie “Bad Decisions” Stackhouse book out this week. When I have time to read it, I will tell you what kind of idiotic things she does this time. Also, my favorite blogger, The Bloggess, released a book, web dwellers. And if you don’t read it, I won’t be your friend anymore.

 

My Turn

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Last month, Northman wrote a piece of erotic fiction for your reading enjoyment, and I’ve been wondering whether I’m equal to the task. I’ll let you be the judges, web dwellers. Northman, this one’s for you, darlin’.

I had back-to-back appointments this morning, a lunch meeting with a client, and an endless stream of phone calls. I ran some errands along the way and picked up sushi for dinner on my way home. It was crazy but normal. As I pull into the driveway, I think back over the hectic scramble of the past several hours and smile at the thought of a quiet evening together, of hearing your laugh as I walk in the door, of your hands on my shoulders, rubbing away the stress of the day. I’m already relaxing and I haven’t even shut off the car.

I sling my briefcase over one shoulder and scoop up the products of my errands, grabbing the cooler bag with our sushi and tucking my phone into my purse. As I walk in, I hear you talking quietly and know you’re on the phone, so I take a moment to hang and stow and refrigerate and unpack all my miscellaneous packages and bags. Unencumbered, I walk into the living room where you’re sitting on the couch, the detritus of your day strewn across the coffee table: your laptop, a half-filled glass water bottle, a notepad for your phone call doodlings and notes, a haphazard stack of paperwork, and your iPad.

You’re still on the phone, wrapping up your call as I lean against the door frame and quietly blow you a kiss. You smile at me and keep your eyes on me as I hook my finger along the heel straps of my sandals, each in turn, and set them next to the wall like I always do. It’s a nothing gesture, but you watch and smile, and I smirk at you, pushing off from the door frame with one hand and taking you all in. It never fails to amaze me that you can give me that flutter in my chest, that tightness between my legs, just by smiling at me, and I close my eyes for a moment, shaking my head. My idea about a quiet evening quickly disappears as several fantasies come to mind and my cheeks flush a bit.

I look up, and you have an eyebrow cocked at me, an expression I adore and know well. I mimic you, which always makes you laugh, but you’re still on with your client, so you shake your head at me and smile at my playing. I reach up, taking the pins out of my hair slowly, and let it tumble down my back in a thick wave I know must be a mess after such a long day. I flip my hair forward, bending at the waist, and run my fingers through it, which you love, and flip it back, standing up straight, shaking my hair loose, and watching you sit up a bit and take notice.

I part my lips with my tongue and bite my lower lip as I open the first three buttons on my blouse. I place my hand flat against my upper chest and run it up over my collarbone to my shoulder and neck, rubbing gently and exposing my neck as I do. I glance at you and, even across the room, can see you shifting in your seat, can see how hard you are already. I take a few steps toward you and stop, unbuttoning my blouse to my waist, watching you watching me. I smile when you have to ask your client to repeat himself and shrug my blouse off my shoulders, letting it fall to the floor.

I cross my arms over my breasts and slide my hands down over my shoulders, slipping my red lace bra straps off as I do. I cup my breasts, running my fingers over my hard nipples and watching your cock straining at your fly as I do. Keeping my eyes locked on yours, I reach behind my back and unclasp my bra, taking it off slowly and tossing it into your lap. I caress my breasts, watching you look back and forth between my tits and my eyes, smirking when you gesture for me to come closer. I pinch my nipples between my thumbs and middle fingers, and you give me this plaintive look that says so clearly, “You’re killing me, here.”

I turn away, shake my hair down my back, unzip my skirt, and let it fall to the floor, revealing the red lace thong I’d bought to match the bra. I hear you make some ridiculous excuse to your client and hear the phone hit the floor. Before I even turn around, your hands are on my hips; your left hand wraps around my waist and your right reaches up to my breasts as I lay my head back on your shoulder where I turn and kiss your neck. I lean back into you for a few minutes that way, enjoying the warmth of your rough hands on my body, the insistent pressure of your cock against my ass, before I turn toward you, desperate to have your lips on mine.

You brush my hair back and hold my face as you kiss me, with your palms against my jaw and your fingers below my ears for a moment before you rope your right hand in my hair at the nape of my neck, tight, pulling me closer as you grab my ass with your left. The urgency in your grasping touch gets me instantly wetter and my panties are soaked in seconds. I pull your shirt up at the waist and have it over your head just as fast. Before your hands can resume their positions, I put mine on your shoulders and push you back onto the couch.

Dropping down on my knees in front of the couch, I look up at you, and you push the coffee table away with one foot while you eagerly watch me unfasten your belt. I never take my eyes off yours as my fingers unzip your pants, grasp their waistband along with the waist of your boxers, and tug them down together. You raise up your hips for me, and I pull them off, tossing them aside in one smooth motion. I run my hands up the insides of your thighs and begin stroking your hard cock with one hand while I gently massage your balls with the other.

You sink back into the couch and breathe this contented moan, laying your head back against the cushions for a moment while I kiss my way up your right thigh. I feel your hands in my hair as my lips reach your balls. You brush my hair back and stroke my cheek as I work your cock, my fingers deftly getting you even harder as I lick and kiss your balls and then the base of your cock.

I feel your fingers grip my hair in response as I lick your cock from base to tip, dragging my tongue around the head in a slow circle. I flick the head of your cock with my tongue the way you like, continuing to stroke your cock with my fingers in a tight circle, up and down at the base, and I look up to see you smiling down at me. My eyes on yours, I open my mouth and pat your hard cock repeatedly against my extended tongue before kissing the tip and taking you quickly and suddenly deep until you feel your cock hit the back of my throat. I hold you there, my tongue making the tiniest movements, my breath hot on the base of your cock as I shake my head back and forth ever so slightly.

I reach up with my free hand, gently dragging my nails along your abdomen. You take my hand and pull it up to your lips, kissing my fingertips and palm as I pull back, sucking hard against your cock as I draw my lips up to the head. I work your cock with my lips, tongue, and fingers for a few minutes before pulling back again, kissing the tip, and then looking up at you as I trace circles around the head with my tongue. “Spit on it for me, baby,” you say, “get it wet.” I smile at you, and do exactly as you ask, getting your cock wet before taking it back in my mouth while my left hand continues stroking your incredibly hard shaft. I pull back for a moment and take you deep in my throat again, and you moan. Loud. Your whole body tenses, and you grip my hair, which you know I love.

“You want me to fuck your mouth, you bad girl?” you ask, and my whole body responds. My breath catches, the muscles in my groin contract, and I feel a new wave of heat and wetness course through my pussy. I pull back just a bit, your cock still in my mouth, but enough so that I can look up and see you. I nod a little, and you smirk, “You are such a naughty girl, aren’t you?” Keeping your body close to mine, your cock still in my waiting mouth, you twist with me, so my back is against the couch and you’re standing over me, one knee on the couch, one foot on the floor.

You grab my hair firmly in one hand and support yourself against the couch with the other. You move your hips slowly at first as we find a rhythm we can sustain, and you hold me still, thrusting gently but firmly against my hot mouth, just tapping my throat with your cock. I grab your hip, my nails digging into you just a bit, and your abdomen tenses. You say, “That’s my naughty girl,” and I feel my pelvic muscles contract, my face redden. You know what gets me off.

Your grip loosens on my hair and you pull back. I look up at you and smile, ready to take your cock back in my mouth, to work you to completion and feel you cum, hot in my mouth, down my throat, or maybe across my tits today. The options play out in my mind for a moment, but you reach down, take my hands, and raise me up, my breasts burning a trail up your body as I stand. With your hands behind my neck and waist, you kiss me, long and deep, and we melt into one another for a long moment. My entire day has faded away along with the rest of the world, and I lose track of everything that isn’t you: your hands, your lips, your tongue, your body, your breath, your cock, your words.

You take my hand and walk with me a few steps to the side of the couch, where you turn me away from you and bend me over the arm of the couch. I toss my hair over one shoulder and bend at the waist, my hands on the couch cushion, holding myself up. I feel you tap your cock, so warm and hard, against my ass. I moan something nearly incoherent in my aching desire to feel you inside me, and you laugh that deep, throaty laugh I love. “Not just yet, naughty girl,” you tease, and, bending over me, you reach under my arm to caress my left breast, around my waist to push my panties aside and finger my clit. “Damn, baby, you are so fucking wet,” you say, kissing my neck, “Are you ready for me? Do you want this cock?” you tease me. “Yes,” I gasp as you slide your fingers into me, “Oh, fuck yes,” I gasp.  “Then tell me,” you taunt. “My naughty girl. Tell me what you want.”

“I want you,” I say, and I can feel your abs move as you laugh a bit because I always say that, and you always say what you say next, “Not enough, bad girl. Tell me exactly what you want.” I smile, feeling your hand leave my breast and slide down my back to my ass, where you give me a light smack. “I want you to fuck me. Hard. I want you to fuck me ‘til I can’t breathe, and then cum with me. Right now.”

“Good,” you say, and I hear the taunting smile in your voice. “But still not good enough for someone who teased me while I was working.” You grab the back of my panties, roughly, which doesn’t help my ability to think, and pull that thin strip of fabric toward you so it rubs against my clit. “Oh, fuck. Baby, fuck me,” I manage, gasping. You smack my ass harder, grab my panties hard, and yank them down to my knees. Fast. You thrust your cock hard against my ass, saying, “Try. Harder. My gorgeous, dirty girl. My sexy, naughty slut. You know what I want.”

I’m losing the capacity for coherent thought. The nastier you talk, the wetter I get, and you know it, so you are far from playing fair. I try to speak and fail miserably, so lost in your body and the heat between us. Your cock is sliding up and down the crease of my ass, and I feel you push my panties off completely while I try to catch my breath, to form the words. You grab my hair in one handful and wrap your other hand around my chest to pull me up so my back is pressed against your chest. You thrust your cock hard against me, pinch my nipple hard, and whisper. “Tell me what you want.”

I take a deep, shuddering breath. “My love. I want your hard cock inside me. I want you to fuck my pussy and feel how wet I am for you.” Your fingers find my clit while I’m whispering my request and I gasp at each word, “I want you to fuck me hard and rough and long. I… I…”

There’s just no finishing the sentence with your fingers probing my pussy and your cock hard against my ass. “Much better,” you say, biting my neck, and lazily but gently pushing me forward, back down onto the couch. I arc my back a bit, pushing my ass out toward you. I’m so ready. I want you so badly, but you don’t move your cock from its current spot, pressed tight against my ass. You just thrust your hips forward and back, lazily, while you work my clit with your skilled fingers, getting me wetter and hotter until I’m panting and gasping for breath. You bend forward over me, and I feel your teeth graze my neck, and you start to kiss your way down my spine. You grip my hips with both hands and turn me around, kissing over my hip and down to my clit. Your fingers, slick and wet, find my nipples as I push myself up on my hands, my ass against the arm of the couch and my legs suddenly around your shoulders as you kneel in front of me. You pinch the nipple of my right breast as you suck my clit in between your teeth and I gasp, “Yes, yes, yes…” searching for some way to tell you how much I want you but finding myself far beyond articulate speech.

Your fingers plunge deep into me, hitting my g-spot as you work my clit with your tongue and I do little else but let my head fall back as I moan your name and beg you to fuck me. “That’s what you get for teasing me while I’m on the phone, bad girl,” you say, and I can’t even laugh more than a short gasp. “Cum for me, baby. I feel how close you are. You want me to fuck you, you naughty girl? First, cum for me,” you say, kissing my abdomen and working your way back down. I’m so wet, so ready, that the second your teeth graze my clit, I feel that surge starting deep in my body.

You work my clit with your tongue, my g-spot with your fingertips, faster and harder, and I push against you with my hips, wanting your fingers deeper, wanting to feel your tongue and lips and teeth more, everything moredeeperfasterharder, and you know me, and you know what I want, and you give it to me. I feel that cresting wave break within me and ripple outward like a stone dropped in flat water. My toes, my neck, my back all arch toward you as you suck my clit through my orgasm, dragging it out for me and intensifying it as I call your name over and over. I melt like a blissful puddle, falling into the couch, seeing stars behind my closed eyes and temporarily losing feeling in my feet.

You come around the side of the couch and kiss my lips, soft and sweet. I open my eyes and smile contentedly, reaching up for you to come lie with me. Instead, you sit hip to hip with me, facing me, and pull me up to meet you. I twist around, swing my leg over your lap, and you sit back against the couch. I work my hips in little circles, your cock trapped against your abdomen, my clit against its base. I get my breath back quickly and lean back, my hands behind me on your knees. You pull your hips back and tap your cock against my clit, teasing my pussy ever so slightly. You press the head of your cock into me, and I move with you just a bit, slowly, just fucking the head of your hard cock, feeling you working slowly into me. You take my hips with both hands and pull me down onto you, sheathing your cock in my tight, grasping pussy where you can still feel little wavelike contractions, aftershocks of my orgasm still coursing through me.

I work my hips in counterclockwise circles, still leaning back away from you so your cock hits the front wall of my pussy, right up against my g-spot. I feel that wave building up inside me again, know I’m going to cum again as I ride you, and I want to draw it out and give you time to cum with me. I shift forward, putting my hands on either side of your shoulders against the couch, and you wrap your arms around me. I wrap my legs around your waist, and you hold me close, quickly pulling me down so I’m lying beneath you on the couch.

You run your hands up my sides, pulling my arms up over my head and grasping both my wrists in your left hand, holding them firmly together. You keep a strong but gentle grip on my wrists as you kiss my lips, my neck, my breasts. You bite my nipples in turn and let your teeth graze my neck as our hips move together in a smooth rhythm. “Keep your hands there,” you say, and I do, wondering what you have in mind next. You put your hands on my hips, slide them under my ass, and run them under my thighs where you push my legs up so I can hook my knees over your shoulders. With one thrust, I feel how much deeper your cock can fuck me like this, and I moan, “Oh, yes,” as you take up my wrists with your hand again and begin working your cock deep into me.

“Yes, what?” you ask, staring deep into my eyes and smiling down at me. “Tell me, love. Tell me what you want.” I look up at you and say what I always say, “I want you,” and smile. You laugh, working your hips into me, and I say, “My love. I want you. I want you to cum for me. Cum with me. Fuck me hard and cum with me now.” You double your speed and I gasp, still fairly pinned down to the couch and getting closer to orgasm with your every stroke. After a few minutes, I’m lost in our pairing, completely focused on your cock and the way we fit together, desperately trying not to cum without you, until finally you gasp, “Yes. Now, baby. Cum with me now! Oh, fuck, yes!” and I let go, let loose that dam I’ve held back, and feel myself open inside as I feel your whole body tense and your cock throb through your own release inside me. My pussy contracts around you and I feel you respond, wave after wave of pleasure as we feed off of one another and melt into each other’s arms.

Legs entwined, your cock still deep inside me, we nestle into the couch, my head on your chest by your shoulder, your fingertips tracing my lips and brushing back my hair. I turn my face to kiss your chest and think of nothing but your heartbeat and the sound of your breathing. You tighten your arms around me, and we fall into a blissful sleep.