So I’m Skype texting with my girlfriend, Grayce, whom we girls call, “Gray,” because her life is all sorts of 50 Shades, and I’m telling her how the latest guy to catch my attention, Joe, is, predictably, an asshat.
Me: Girl, WTF? Why are men such douche canoes?
Gray: Because they have fool tools.
Me: The bigger the fool tool, the bigger the douche canoe.
Gray: Sounds like my ex. Total fool, but what a great fucking tool.
Me: Seriously. Your ex should come with a warning label: Mo dick, mo problems.
Gray: LOL!! OMG, girl, that is the TRUTH!
Me: At least a big dick is a good distraction, if you don’t let it distract you from how big a dick its owner is.
Gray: OMG! We need to put that shit on an e-Card.
Me: Too much work. I’ll just blog it. And I’ll call your ex “Moe” on the blog just because that shit’s funny.
Gray: I’m laughing so hard I’m gonna wake up my kids.
Me: Men are good for killing bugs, lifting heavy shit, and sex. In that priority order.
Me: It’s all shit I can do myself, but I’d rather have it done for me.
Gray: E-card. E-card. E-card.
Me: If prostitution were legal, I would buy a man whore to kill my bugs naked.
Gray: That is a GREAT idea.
Me: The guy would be naked, not the bugs. I mean, the bugs are naked too, but that’s not the point.
Gray: Are you drunk?
Me: And then, after he killed the bug on my wall, I’d be all, “Bitch, go get a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. Mama can’t cum with bug guts on the wall!”
Gray: Must. Document. On. E-cards.
Me: If I ran shit, I would make it mandatory for sex ed teachers to explain to guys WHY a woman should cum first. Divorce rates would plummet. You’re welcome, Entire Fucking Planet.
Gray: So true!!
Me: You want her to do that thing? With the thing? Like you saw on YouPorn? Make sure she cums first.
Me: And yes, YouPorn is a thing. Thank you, Northman.
Gray: OMG. I can see you lecturing teenagers. You’ll write books.
Me: Yeah, I’ll be “researching” for my book and going, “Not now, baby, Mama’s browsing YouPorn.”
Me: Seriously, if they spent half as much time explaining to teenage boys why it’s better for a woman to cum first as they do telling teenage girls not to have sex at all, all would be right with the world. Because you know, when mama’s not happy, nooooobody’s happy.
Gray: So fucking true. Luckily, I’ve never had a selfish lover. They all love making me cum.
Me: Fuck you.
Pause with no response from Gray.
Me: You’re googling YouPorn aren’t you? Admit it!
Gray: Me? No.
Me: No, you’re just on Zazzle or something ordering tee-shirts with “Mo dick mo problems.”
Gray: I was not! I wasn’t!
Gray: I was gonna do it tomorrow.
Me: There it is.
Gray: Well, it’s true! Mo dick, mo problems! Moe was so big, I couldn’t fit that shit in my mouth.
Me: That’s too much dick. That’s like having GGG tits. More than a mouthful is wasteful.
Gray: He is huge. The sex was awesome. Too bad by the time things ended I didn’t want anything to do with his thang.
Me: Dude. If you divorce a man that big, vaginal rejuvenation surgery should be part of the divorce settlement. Be like, “You broke my heart. Fine. But my pussy you have to fix.”
Gray: That could pass here in California. You may be onto something.
Me: Damn straight. Shit. They ruin our tits with pregnancy and nursing. You don’t wanna pay alimony forever? Tack the girls back up where they belong and turn this hallway of a pussy back into a straw. Level the damn playing field a LITTLE.
Gray: That is the funniest thing I have ever heard. Ever.
Me: My brain is all sorts of fucked up, girl. And I know what you find funny, so it’s easy. Mostly it’s the same shit I find funny, because you’re awesome. Obviously. I don’t hang with non-awesome women. They’re intimidated my awesomeness, and they get all clingy and offended by my cursing. I’m like, “You have given birth, woman. And you think some f-bombs are going to scar you?”
Gray: Omg! You are seriously awesome and so fucking funny.
Me: Please. Come see my vagina if you want to see scars. C-sections do not make for good vajazzling canvases. As if it’s not enough to wax it, now it has to fucking sparkle?!? I’m not a vampire.
Gray: Dying. I’m dying.
Me: If a man needs your pussy to sparkle to be into it, he’s gay. Duh.
Gray: Where do you get this shit?
Me: This is my stream of consciousness. Something is fundamentally wrong with me.
Gray: Yeah, but we’ll make BANK on the tee-shirts.
Me: What’s this “we” business?