I’m seriously considering becoming a lesbian. Why the hell not? Women seem to be an infinitely better option right now than men. I’ve already got my minions and, even if I don’t like it, I’m pretty good at killing my own bugs, so men are of limited usefulness to me at this point. Let’s ignore for a moment the fact that I am just not gay, as much as I wish I were, and that being gay is not a choice, so I really have no say in this matter. Aside from that, why the hell not?
Let’s take this from a practical, if ludicrously generalizing, perspective (haters, start taking notes here):
- Women are better at multitasking, so they can, oh, you know, hold babies and text, take phone calls, or poop at the same time.
Women are sexy most of the time, even when we don’t feel sexy, if only because society and marketing have programmed us to see women as sexual objects by barraging us with sexualized images of women 24/7, because “pretty is as pretty does.” Men, on the other hand, look like deflated kiwis that need to go down the disposal when they bend over naked in the bathroom. They can’t all be Northman or Tyler Durden. We can’t all be Cindy Crawford either, but somehow we’re still generally more attractive than they are. Maybe it’s because we aren’t likely to fart, pick our noses, grab our crotches, or be otherwise generally disgusting outside the aforementioned bathroom.
- Women aren’t as afraid of their feelings as men. They like you or they don’t. They love you or they don’t. None of this, “Well, I really like you, and I want to fuck you, but let’s just keep it casual, k?” crap. The flip side of this has a lot to do with the third-date U-Haul jokes my gay girlfriends tell me. I used to think it meant lesbians do it in trucks on the third date, but apparently I was wrong.
- Women understand how other women think, so it’s much harder to bullshit or be bullshitted by another woman than it is with men.
- Women understand how much time and effort it takes to get all glammed up, and they understand what a pain in the ass it is to be hairless and tan without submitting to regular waxing or getting cancer in a tanning booth. Thus, they’re more likely to appreciate natural beauty instead of being astounded that it’s almost impossible to be a supermodel AND a neuroscientist like Barbie. (Yes, click if you want to be annoyed.)
- Women are not afraid that other women can’t handle the truth, whereas men hide shit from women to protect our widdle feewings, only to incur the wrath of God (who must be female, seriously) when we find out they’re just bigass liars who think they’re stronger than us (but really are just lying to us to avoid conflict under the guise of protecting us).
- Women know where everything goes in their own homes and can intuit where things will be in other’s homes whereas a man can live with you for decades and never, ever know where the apple corer lives, even, and especially, if it’s in the silverware drawer they open 10 times a day.
- Women don’t pretend not to know how to do shit to get out of doing it. The learned helplessness of modern men is one of the least sexy things ever. “Oh, I didn’t put in that load of laundry. I would just mess it up, and I wouldn’t want to make more work for you.” Thanks, asshat.
Can you tell I’m a little tweaked at men right now? And it’s not all about me. Misery loves company, and my girlfriends have been hauling waxed vajayjay out of the woodwork to tell me what douche canoes their husbands, boyfriends, and friends with benefits have been lately. Is it the season? Do they intentionally pick fights leading up to Halloween to avoid the couples’ costumes? Do they try to break up before the holidays to avoid the gift conundrum (what can I give her that says I like her and want to keep fucking her but don’t necessarily want to commit in the coming calendar year?) or the ever-soul-crushing, “Why don’t you want me to meet your mother?” awkwardness?
Aside from not having to date men, lesbians also get to hang out more with open-minded people, including gay men, who, if Twitter and Will & Grace reruns have taught me anything, are all hot, sexually evolved, hilarious Democrats-turned-Independents who don’t have to have it explained to them exactly why it is that abortion rights are neither solely a civil rights issue nor a women’s issue nor entirely about abortion. Probably because they get that gay marriage is not just about civil rights or gay rights or marriage. When we allow politicians to wage attacks on ANY sub-set of society based only on their inclusion in said group, and then we actually vote those dickweasels into office, we’re saying, “It’s fine for you to use my life as a bargaining chip, and I totally get how it’s ok to fuck with people who aren’t rich, white men for political gain.” Oh, shit. I went all political there. Deal with it.
The only thing I’d miss if I switched teams is the fool tools, and I gotta say, ya’ll, you can custom order that shit online to fit your length, width, girth, color, and motion preferences, which is a hell of a lot better than waiting until the third date for the big reveal. Huh. Yet another reason to vote democrat this year: maybe they’ll finally fund stem cell research and someone will figure out how I actually CAN choose to be gay, because that shit would be fucking awesome, people. I’d never have to go searching for my apple corer again. Worth it.