A Little Rambling And A Lot of Sexy

Ooooh, web dwellers, have I got some stuff to tell you today. If there were a contest to find the luckiest girl on the damn planet today, if you’re not me, don’t even bother entering, because I fucking win, people. I win. And you know why? Because Northman sent me a two-part, 15-minute video in which he’s wearing nothing but a watch and some seriously gorgeous ink.

Those of you who don’t like me taking the Lord’s name in vain, gals, if you saw this shit, you’d know I’m not using it in vain. That’s PRAISE right there. If I were a religious woman, I’d be down on my damn knees giving thanks for this. But as it is, I am not, and since Northman’s not here for pretty much the only other reason I’d be down on my knees, I think saying “ohmyfuckinggod” is just going to have to suffice.

Oh, Sweet Jesus in Birks, I am so damn grateful it doesn’t snow by him so it’s warm enough for him to do this. Yes, Northman made me another sex video, and all I can say is that the fact that I didn’t instantaneously burst into flames watching it completely disproves the existence of spontaneous combustion. Seriously. I texted him immediately after watching it (fine, immediately after watching it twice), and all I could manage was this: “ohmyfuckinggod” Yeah. I’m articulate like that. Without exaggeration, I think seeing Northman do ANY of what he did in this video if I were with him in person would reduce me to complete Tarzan Speak.

For those of you feeling bad for Northman that he’s doing all the “work” and I’m getting all the rewards, rest assured, I am reciprocating. First, my responses to his videos get him going. A lot. And second, I’ve been doing some sexy writing for our friend Mr. Northman. And he likes it. Probably not as much as he’d like it if I would send him a strip tease video, but I’m just not there yet, web dwellers. I want to be there. I wish I could be as bold as I tell myself I am and just do it. But the truth is, I’m so critical of my body no matter how much or little I weigh or work out, that I just do not know what it will take for me to truly reciprocate. So I “give back” in the best way I comfortably can: I write erotic stories for him. And I show him my tits a lot.

Watching Northman’s video performance was mind-blowing. I can’t think of any other man in my life who has ever been able to evoke a physical response that intense without even touching me. There is something I find so inherently erotic about this man, my mouth literally waters at the sight of just his bare chest. I won’t even go into what kind of bodily reactions I have to the sight of his bare — yeah, I’m biting my damn lip just typing about it.

Here’s the kicker, though. Northman and I had a few sexy Skype conversations this week, plus the video. Oh, yeah. The video. Mmmmmm…. Where was I? Oh, right. Skype. Anyway. Focus. Skype. Yes. Ok. We Skyped quite a bit, and I have to tell y’all, the honest truth is, while we did have some really fantastic sexiness via Skype, the best interactions I had with Northman this week had nothing to do with sex. Actually, that’s a damn lie. Every interaction with Northman has something to do with sex because I can’t look at him without wanting to reach through the screen and touch him. But you know what I mean. The best interactions were just conversations. We talked so much this week: Hours and hours of just talking about our minions, our work, our plans, our friends, our families. You know… I kind of feel like we’re actually starting to date. Sort of. In this weird, online, not really dating kind of way, true, but still, we’re sort of kind of dating. I think. And I like it.

We talk, each in our own beds, and it feels like this. Intimate. Close. Peaceful.

Northman listens to me. He asks insightful questions. He respects me as a parent, a friend, a woman, a professional, and an equal. He shares with me, and I enjoy listening to him. I like knowing what’s going on in his life and knowing how he takes his coffee. I like that he knows a lot more about some topics than I do and that he can teach me without being condescending; rather, he genuinely enjoys explaining things and takes his time in doing so. He doesn’t rush to answer when I ask him a question, but takes his time and gives the topic consideration when need be, and I like that. Plus, it gives me time to stare at his neck, which I also really like. Yum.

Northman makes me feel this sexy.

Here’s something else I really like, and go ahead and slam me via email or comments or what have you for being unevolved or unliberated or whatever other feminazi name you may want to call me. Northman is a man. He gets it that a man can respect a woman as an equal, enjoy being with a woman who knows more or is smarter or more educated, have a balanced romantic relationship with a woman, and have a completely equal partnership, all while still asserting himself as a man. So many men today seem to think that women are hypocrites if we demand equality in the workplace and in relationships but still appreciate a man who gives up his jacket or umbrella or who opens doors or dashes through the rain to bring a woman’s car around. Men who still do those things just turn me on.

American Gothic, True Blood style. That's old school, new sexy style.

I completely and openly admit that I adore a man who gives me his arm when we’re walking or offers his hand when I’m stepping off a curb. I appreciate a man who treats me like the lady I am and acts like the man in the relationship and not like a child I have to look after. I find men who value both femininity and self-sufficiency in women to be incredibly attractive. I like a man who wants to lift the heavy things, kill the bugs, and fix the clogged drains, even though we both know I’m absolutely capable of doing it all myself. I enjoy those little social niceties, those old-school gender roles. I realize they’re not for everyone, but I do personally like them.

I love that Northman is good with his hands without presuming that a woman can’t be. That’s just awesome. I love seeing him as someone who could protect me, regardless of whether I need protecting or whether I can look out for myself. Call it social programming and gender stereotyping if you want, but the truth is, I just find a capable, strong man really damn sexy. Being with a man like that makes me feel feminine and safe and adored. Maybe that’s just too old-school for some women, but it’s the truth.

The flip side is that Northman, while he is all of these things, appreciates a woman who doesn’t need any of it, regardless of whether she wants it. And I think that’s a lot of why this dynamic works between us (At least in theory. At least online.). Because neither of us needs the other. We just want one another. And I think for both of us, that want, that desire, is so much more attractive than being needed. I mean, good Lord, we’re both parents. We’re already needed 24/7. It’s really nice to just be wanted sometimes. Don’t you think?

An Interview With The One And Only, Mr. Northman

So last week, Northman made me blush. Perhaps it seems like a little thing considering all the reasons I might have to blush when I’m (virtually) around him, but I’m just not a blushing kind of gal. Nothing really embarrasses me; y’all already know I’m an open book, and that means blushing is a rare thing in my world. But, as usual, there’s one glaring exception to the rule, and it’s Northman. That man makes me blush regularly, and he’s particularly pleased with himself about it. Not one to be outdone, I vowed that I could return the favor, and Northman, exceedingly smug and frustrating man that he is, had the nerve to doubt me. He even bet me I couldn’t make him blush, promising to make me a hot new video with lots of highly detailed and personal dialog if I won.

Bring it, Northman.

Game on, Northman. Game. Fucking. On.

I was pretty motivated just by his smug grin, I have to tell you. And the idea of him making a sex video, just for me, with whatever kind of dirty talking and whatnot that I wanted? Damn, web dwellers. That’s some serious motivation right there. I’m not saying I thought it would be all that easy to make Mr. Self-Satisfied blush, but I am a woman who loves a challenge. When I set my mind to something, there’s very little dissuading me.

Took less than a day.

I wrote a new blog article the day after Valentine’s Day, telling y’all about the screen-melting Skype sex I had with Northman the night before, and I opened up a bit about him. I told you how I feel about him, what I adore about this man with whom, in many, many ways, I often feel I’ve met my match, even though I always win when we compete at, you know, pretty damn near anything.

Well, Northman read that article and he blushed. Twice. Gotta hand it to him for honesty. He fessed up and actually rather enjoyed himself telling me so. And he was excited that I’d opened the floor to you, readers, asking for your questions and comments. As usual, you came through in fine form, web dwellers. Thanks. So, last night, I sat down, reporter-style (post-Skype-sex naked, sure, but still reporter-style) and interviewed, for your reading pleasure, the one and only, Mr. Northman.

Me: Alright. Before we start with the formal questions, the floor is yours. Is there anything you’d like to say to my devoted tens of readers?

Northman: (Laughs his sexy, throaty laugh. Yum.) My devoted tens! I love it! Lemme think about it for a second here. Yeah. I hope you all get laid soon. We’d probably be a lot less … fucked up in this world if more people got laid. Laid people are generally happier people. Especially if they’re well laid. It’s not a cure-all for everything, but it’s a damn good fucking start.

Me: Good point. Ok, first reader question: “Do you feel you’re accurately portrayed on the blog?”

Northman: (Clears throat for a second and – yes!! – blushes a little before laughing.) Yes, given that the names and occasional details have been changed to protect the guilty (more laughing). I see it as accurate as far as the way you perceive me. Whether or not I always feel that way about myself? Is… not so clear (laughs). Which is sort of a guarded answer, but I’m … {I was really enjoying watching him squirm a little, talking about himself, y’all. This was fun. And for those of you who don’t know him – so, all of you – what he was getting at is that he typically doesn’t see himself as nearly as sexy as I see him, which, of course, is part of what I find so damn attractive about him. That, and his ass is so damn fine I’d use it as china.}

Me: What are you thinking about?

Northman: [That last blog, the one that was] …designed to make me blush, and yes, it worked.

At this point, he grinned at me. I grinned back. We grinned at each other like a couple of idiots for a sex, sex, shit. SEC. Seriously, Freud is up in my typing today. I really had to type “sec” three times to stop typing “sex” on accident.

Me: Ok, next reader question: “What attracts you to her?” I mean me. It says her. So, me. What attracts you to me? This is weird.

Northman: (Giving me this fucking look and enjoying the ensuing blush that comes across my face. And my breasts.) We’ve known each other a long time. We’ve had sexual tension for 20-plus years. With no lessening in it either. It only gets more. Even after all the Skype sex, it doesn’t change that aspect of it at all. I still feel like I haven’t had sex with you because I haven’t. We can have all the Skype sex we want, it’s still not the same, surreal thing. Um. So there’s that factor. The physical aspect of it [and wanting to physically have you] but I don’t know…. Just, I mean. I think the several times that we were actually, physically intimate were so fucking intense when we were young, when we were teenagers, it was so fucking intense, and that feeling never really left me.

Me: Nor me. (Yeah, more blushing.)

Northman: You’re insanely funny, and a woman who makes me laugh is really fucking important (Laughs. I love that laugh.). You’re really smart. I’m attracted to smart women. You have a good sense of humor. That sort of goes back to the whole “woman making me laugh” thing. You have some absolutely smoldering looks. You’re capable of delivering molten lava, and that’s not in person, that’s via Skype, and that’s pretty impressive.

Me: That’s not where I thought you were going with that.

Northman: What do you mean?

I always fucking win. I am Trogdor! Burninating the countryside!

Me: You said, “You’re capable of delivering…” and I thought you were going to go into your fear of my “tongue lashings” as you call them.

Northman: Well, thankfully, I’ve only been on the receiving end of those twice.

Me: And you deserved it both times.

Northman: Yes, I did. But it doesn’t go with what attracts me to you, so that’s not what I was thinking. Although it’s true, your way with words is exceptional, even when you’re mad, but that goes along with your intelligence and how fucking funny you are. What else …? It’s very attractive that you regularly kick my ass at Words With Friends and Scramble With Friends and just about any other game we play.

So there you have it, web dwellers. You asked, and he answered. And, man of his word that he is, Northman sent me a 2-gigabyte, 12-minute sexy awesome naked unbelievable video, custom made just for me. How can I explain this awesomeness? Well, he used a fucking tripod, people. A tripod. I was quite literally speechless watching it, which I think says more than any words could. This video is the single sexiest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Or it was, until I saw Northman, in all his naked splendor, via Skype, watching my face while I watched his video on my laptop. When I finished watching the video, Northman asked me what I thought. I couldn’t speak for a minute, and when I could, I looked at him and just said one thing:

“God bless the Internet.”