After 18 days of winter vacation (not that anyone’s counting), I dropped the minions back off at school this morning, came home, praised Mr. Coffee at great length, and sat down to check Facebook while I had some Lucky Charms and lactose-free “milk.” I really gotta go grocery shopping because both of those things suck, but I was hungry and there wasn’t any cold pizza. Or warm pizza for that matter.
Anyway, I sat down with my bowl and almost spit magical dehydrated unicorn tail-shaped “marshmallows” all over my keyboard when I saw post after post of crap like this:
- Janie McSpecialPants: “Can’t believe the kiddos are going back to school ALREADY! Where did vacation go?!? I want my little snuggle muffins home with Momma!”
- Angie Smoochmuffin: “Only 96 days ‘til Easter! Can’t believe I haven’t stocked up on supplies for our annual three-county bike-race/egg hunt yet! Who’s up for making some decoupage Jesus figurines this afternoon to get things started?”
- Gracie Loveykins: “Dear Summer Vacation: Could you please come super duper early this year? My kids have only been back at school an hour and I miss those little pumpkin-butts already!”
Here’s a little Public Service Announcement, Cathy-Style: If you wrote a Facebook status update, Tweet, blog post, article comment, or any other publicly visible bit of online material today that looked anything like the above, call your doctor to have your meds adjusted and then delete that shit right fucking now. No one wants to read that crap. It’s either not true, or something is really, really wrong with you. Also, don’t expect any responses from me on Facebook ever again, because I am hiding you in my newsfeed.
Posts like that are right up there with entire photo albums of people’s dogs in various holiday-related outfits. You know what I’m talking about. We all have that friend who treats her dog like it’s a kid and then tags you in the dog picture to make absolutely sure you see it, so then your “Photos of Angie Smoochmuffin” include a fucking schnauzer in a leprechaun suit. I gotta say this once: Cut that shit out, people. Cut that out now. Dogs are not people, web dwellers. And I like dogs. But they’re dogs, and I am not, so don’t fucking tag me in your pooch-pic.
But as usual, I digress (But that digression was important, admit it.). It’s one thing to post pictures and updates about having a great time with your kids or even about feeling so lucky to have such great minions once in a while. Kids are great … when they’re not, oh, say, awake or talking to me (relax, it’s a joke, people), but really? Your kids go back to school, from which they will return TODAY, and you likely haven’t had a moment of quiet in almost three weeks, and you miss them so much you have to shout it from the modern proverbial rooftop that is Facebook? Or you need to get a head start on making every normal parent you know feel inadequate through your ludicrously over-achieving wastes of time? Don’t you people work? Shit. If I had a whole fucking morning to myself, I’d take a damn nap, not tweet about how sad I am that it’s quiet enough to do so.
So, that’s it. That’s all I have in me this morning, web dwellers. Who’s up for martinis? School is in session and I am fucking celebrating.