So, I’m sitting on the back porch, sans big, heavy blanket, worshipping Mr. Coffee, when Penny calls. As usual, she doesn’t even say “hello,” but just launches into some random story:
Penny: Dude. Last night, Billy and I had the Best. Sex. Ever.
Me: Hi. Good morning. How are you? Oh, fine, thanks, how are you?
Penny: Dude. You’re not listening. Best. Sex. Ever.
Me: I’m listening. There are just some social niceties that one cannot ignore or the entire fabric of our society will collapse into anarchy, and we’ll be ruled by Emo teenagers wearing Nina Simone tee shirts.
Penny: Who’s Nina Simone?
Me: Someone Emo teenagers don’t listen to either. But they SHOULD.
Penny: Dude! You’re not flippin’ listening to me! Best sex!! Ever!
Me: I hear a blog post coming on.
Penny: Ohmygosh. Ohmygosh. Oh. Ohmygosh.
Me: Yeah, see, if you said that to me during sex, I’d be kind of underwhelmed.
Penny: Shut up.
Me: I hope this story gets better.
Penny: We tried about 15 new positions in one night. When you’ve been married for flippin’ ever, that’s a LOT.
Me: Ok, I was lying before. Now I’m listening.
Penny: It was unbelievable.
Me: What did you do? Get a Cosmo and take notes or something?
Penny: No! Dude!
Me: Have you been watching Cinemax again? I told you some of that shit is dangerous.
Penny: No! DUDE!
Me: Oh, no. Tell me you weren’t watching True Blood before bed. You’re not a vampire, honey. You can’t bend like that.
Penny: Shut up! I downloaded some free sex apps on my iPhone! Did you know there was such a thing? I mean, seriously, sex positions. There’s an app for that!
Me (almost shooting coffee through my nose): “There’s an app for that.” Awesome. Yes. I did know that, but hearing you say it has me picturing you studying and taking notes before bed.
Penny (proudly): Oh, no, dude. I took the phone with me to bed, and we held it up and followed the instructions.
Me: Ok, that’s a fucked up visual.
Penny: It was freaking awesome! We had to read the instructions for each one and then follow the diagrams; some of that stuff is complicated!
Me (biting lip to not laugh): Uh huh. And how did that work out for you?
Penny: Aside from when I dropped the phone on Billy’s head, it was pretty great!
Me (too late, laughing my ass off): On his head? Which one!?
Penny: Oh my gosh. You did not just say that!
Me: Oh, yes. I did. It’s fine. If you gave him a concussion, I’m sure there’s an app for that.
Penny: The sex apps were free. They had these little ads on them, but I just ex’d out of them.
Me: After you read them.
Penny: Well, yeah.
Me: You’re a riot.
Penny: Oh, and then? And then? This morning? At breakfast, my seven-year-old is playing with his iPod and goes, “Oh! You got me some new apps, Mommy?”
Penny: Right? I grabbed his iPod so damn fast I about ripped his hand off. Apparently, there’s a setting for “automatically download all new apps to all devices using this iTunes account.”
Me: I’m going to call Northman and tell him all about this, and then I’m going to blog it. You know that, right?
Penny: Whatever flips your noodle, poodle.
Penny: Ohmygosh. I can’t wait for you to see Northman so you can try this one thing. I’m not sure we did it right, but it was awesome.
Me: I’m pretty damn sure any position with Northman will be fucking awesome. And I won’t need a diagram or a damn flow chart either.
Penny: No, you won’t. The chemistry between you two is crazy.
Me (insert stupid grin): I know. I can’t quite explain it.
Penny: Yup. He’s cabbage leaves on engorged boobs. Who the hell knows why, but it just works.
Me (laughing my damn ass off): You did not just say that.
Penny: Oh, yes. I did.
+++Ten Minutes Later+++
Me: And then, ok, I’m still getting over her hitting him with the phone and almost giving her kid some seriously fucked up sex education with his Corn Flakes, and Penny goes, “Northman is cabbage leaves on engorged boobs. It doesn’t make sense but it just works.”
Northman (laughing): I’m cabbage?
Me: No, you’re cabbage leaves on engorged breasts. Don’t men know about that?
Northman: All I know about cabbage is that I just made cole slaw today. It was pretty fucking good! I’ll send you the recipe if you want.
Me: No thanks, I’m sure there’s an app for that.
Northman: Have fun blogging, mon petit choux.